From the U.S.: About 2-3 months into our relationship, my boyfriend continued to press me to tell him the number of men I slept with. At first, I tried to deflect the question but I had to answer him. I lied and gave him a very low number, because I knew he was a jealous man. But I felt so guilty when he said he was really glad I waited for him, so a few days later, I decided to tell him. But when I sat down to tell him, I couldn’t tell him everything so I revealed to him that there was one more. He had a very tough time dealing with it, and he made me promise him that there was no more. Months went by without me feeling so guilty about it.
Right after he made me promise him, he told me he wanted to marry me. I could not help but feel terrible about myself, and how I lied to him. I eventually confessed my number to him (less than 10), and he became so furious to a point where he called me the s word, and various other names that I never ever dreamt I would hear from anyone. This lashing out on me continued for a month, but he still says he loves and he wants to be with me. I never asked for his number, but when I finally gave him my number, he told me his. It is double mine. He said he still wants to marry me and that he will get better over time. However, I cannot get over the fact that he called me these names and how horrible he made me feel about myself, but I love him so much. What should I do?
This man bullied you for a month and you still want anything to do with him? He’s had twice as many lovers and he’s angry with you?
You are 30. You have a past. So does he. It doesn’t and shouldn’t matter what went on before your relationship if you are both committed to each other and have the same standards now. The boyfriend is old enough (and should be mature enough) to know that the reason you withheld information is that you, rightly, feared he would be unduly upset. You are old enough (and should be wise enough) to know that your fears and guilt are huge red flags that the relationship isn’t what it should be.
If this relationship is to have any chance at all, he needs to show more insight and understanding, not jealousy, about your concerns. It isn’t fair or useful to perseverate on history you can’t change. He also needs to get on top of his extreme reaction to things that aren’t to his liking.
If your boyfriend can’t do those things and you stay in the relationship anyway, be prepared for a lifetime of walking on eggshells. It’s a hard way to live so I don’t recommend it.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
I Lied to My Boyfriend about My Past
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). I Lied to My Boyfriend about My Past. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 13, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/07/18/i-lied-to-my-boyfriend-about-my-past/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.