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Out of Control. Am I Self-Sabotaging?

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I am dating a guy that I really care about, he is generally really good to me and helps me better my life in terms of school and work. The idea of him talking to other girls bothers me, a lot. I’ve behaved very “crazy” like with him. I feel impulsive, out of control. I imagine all of these threats, and even if they are real, my behavior is out of control. I’m not asking this question so I could make my relationship better, I am asking because I am really concerned, and my behavior is affecting those around me. But I am not usually like this, I have not been like this with other guys. I am generally calm, I generally don’t experience anxiety mentally. I dislike emotional people, but now I am being extremely emotional and irrational.

Quick background: Severe physical, and emotional abuse as a child (burning, etc), into teenage years. Parents told me I wasn’t wanted repeatedly as a child. No sexual abuse by parents. Raped by ex-boyfriend, years later 1 abortion after being intimate for the first time with a guy while we were dating for over a year, abortion occurred while fully awake (no medication or sedative) and I watched them do it. Generally described as intelligent, however I do not manage my time right. I often cut myself short, I seem to be sabotaging myself (the proof is in my life). Extremely “rational” most of the time. (age 26, from US)

Out of Control. Am I Self-Sabotaging?

Answered by on -


Thanks for writing in and I’m sorry that you were abused as a child and then experienced other traumas as a young adult. I suspect that it is all catching up to you now that you are in a stable, supportive relationship. I’ve seen it happen before — life finally seems to be good and then the past comes creeping in. Symptoms can come out of nowhere it seems.

If you want to save this relationship (and yourself) it is time to consider therapy. Even if you have gone before and thought that you had worked through your traumas, it is worth going again. The impulsivity, insecurity and new uncontrolled behavior are good signs that you are being triggered. The old saying is true that “in order to love someone else, you must first love yourself,” and I would add that in order to trust someone else, you must trust yourself. So be “rational” and go get some help.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts


Out of Control. Am I Self-Sabotaging?

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Dr. Holly Counts is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She utilizes a mind, body and spirit approach to healing. Dr. Counts received her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Wright State University and her Masters and Doctoral degrees in Clinical Psychology from Nova Southeastern University. Dr. Counts has worked in a variety of settings and has specialized in trauma and abuse, relationship issues, health psychology, women’s issues, adolescence, GLBT, life transitions and grief counseling. She has specialty training in guided imagery, EMDR, EFT, hypnosis and using intuition to heal. Her current passion involves integrating holistic and alternative approaches to health and healing with psychology.

APA Reference
Counts, H. (2018). Out of Control. Am I Self-Sabotaging?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 2, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 15 Jul 2015)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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