I’m so sorry that you were sexually abused as a young child. As you know all too well, it can have devastating (and confusing) effects. I think that you are correct in thinking that you have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I hope that you have sought professional counseling to help you deal with the effects of the abuse. I would suggest that you seek a therapist who specializes in treating trauma and who has training in EMDR, a technique that has been proven to be very effective in treating PTSD.
Your excessive focus on watching rape scenes is most likely a form of self-harm, like you suspect, but also just a self-created coping skill to help you feel. If you feel numb most of the time, it can sometimes take extreme measures to break through that protective shield. And the fact that you have some missing or vague memories of your trauma is quite normal, don’t force yourself to dwell on these missing pieces, but put your energy into healing and getting your life back. I have worked with many sexual abuse survivors and I can promise you that if you do the work, with the help of a trained therapist, it does get better.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts