My dad is emotionally abusive to me and my mom, has been for years. I didn’t realize in till this year after a series of conversations I had with the school councilor. When the councilor asked if I had ever feared physical violence at home was kind of an AHA moment. She also pointed out behaviors I thought were normal as abusive. That combined with my own research on emotional manipulation led me to the conclusion that a lot of the behavior at home wasn’t ok. The problem is that before I realized that I was able to control my emotions. Im not really allowed to ever be upset at home. I’m required to be the adult in the household all the time and I have the lucky job of being marriage councilor and therapist to my dad. which means he gets to rant about his life to me, usually topics like our finances, my moms emotional stability, their sex life, his health and approaching death, etc. I’m expected to give advice about these things. I’m 17. It’s too much stress. I;m never allowed to talk about my difficulties without being yelled at but expected to help my dad figure out marital issues. This has led me to be incredibly depressed and anxious, along with suicidal thoughts and self harm. Im not allowed to go to therapy.
Anyway, my main problem is that during these “therapy sessions” with my dad I used to be able to give my responses neutrally or just kind of nod and agree in till he was done on the subject. But now sometimes I will respond to him and he will get explosively mad at me, usually over really trivial things. He says its because of how contemptuous I’m being. Like once he was talking and I said I couldn’t hear him and to please repeat himself. He screamed at me. We were in the middle of a restaurant too. It was awful. It first started happening when we were talking about his emotional state and now it happens all the time. I will respond to something, in what I thought was a normal tone and he will just start screaming at me. I think because the way I view him has changed to be more negative its appearing in my voice. How to I suppress the contempt I feel for him?