advertisement
Home » Ask the Therapist » My Husband Might Be Transgender

My Husband Might Be Transgender

Asked by on with 1 answer:

First off please excuse my English as it is not my first language.

Where do I begin my marriage has been going well up until a few days ago when my husband of 8 years told me he might me transgender.

I have been with my husband for 14 years of our 8-year married life, we got married very young and have had our ups and down like any couple, but looking back now I realize that a big part of our ups and downs and arguments was not so normal. My marriage is currently under thread and I know that if there is any truth in him being transgender it will have to end at some point.

He has not sought any help yet for it as he wants to do more research for himself, but listening to him speaks and the things he says I know deep down there is something seriously wrong. The not-so-normal argument I was referring to was about him not being manly enough! When I first met my husband he was extremely shy and has not had a seriously relationship or a sexual one for that matter, and I just put it down to his shyness and severe self-confidence issues. I was his first sexual partner he was 23 or 24 of that time. I had just come out of an abusive relationship myself and thought he was this rally amazing soft and gentle man that saved me from myself. I came with my own baggage of child abuse from relatives and my own mother I had been through some bad things as a child and was suffering from depression for a very long time.

I sought help as I used to be a horrible aggressive person in our marriage, my husband would take my verbal abuse like nothing was wrong. I went through many years of depression to the point where I had shaved my hair off etc. I eventually started with self-help books and being more spiritual and that has helped a great deal today I am totally fine, self employed and doing really well.

Because of my own issues, I struggled to see my poor husband suffering deeply and silently from his own. Here is his story.

He is a very shy timid and loving compassionate man he cares very deeply for people and animals from what he has told me and stories from his mother he grew us as a very healthy and happy child doing tons of sports and aggressive sports like motor cross but what did strike me as odd is that whenever he use to be in a race he was not focused to win as he would go around the racing track singing (his moms words the singing part) I suppose there is nothing wrong with being happy while you are doing it but it’s a sport where a little aggression and focus is needed not to fall and of course to win.

Our couples fights would always be me telling him that he is extremely unromantic and not passionate enough, we have truly never had a great sex life and i though that it was down to him not being experienced or having not been with anyone before me. I would find myself shouting at him to man up etc as i felt he use to hide from conflict and hide in a shell when it came to express himself. I have always been the alpha in our relationship and it has been exhausting! He has never been able to express any emotions he would never get angry or even express excitement he was very good at being sad though. Looking back now i wish i was not in my own misery and that we could have seen the signs of his problems as well. I remember thinking to myself (we were still engaged) that this is a phase and he will learn to become confident and tough. I use to think why can’t he love me like a man why does he not desire me like a man etc. I accepted this behavior as normal for a very long time and of course thought it is my fault indeed that he is like this. I realize now that although i had my own baggage so did he, here is a few thing that he has said and done that has had a big impact on how i feel now.

He became obsessed about me wearing tons of jewelry this was when we were still engaged must have been a year into our relationship, he loved that i would wear gold bangles and tons of rings etc, i use to have two ear piercings on each ear, I decided to remove to upper two from each ear and just keep my bottom holes open, i remember he was really upset that i decided to do it and told me how nicer it looked etc. Of course with his obsession with jewelry that’s what i would get allot of despite him knowing I am not a huge fan of wearing so much let alone all the time jewelry.

Anyway he managed to talk me into getting a belly ring which i did and hated so much, my skin does not feel like a normal persons would and the belly eventually became infected and i took it out, once again he was saddened by this. Few years later we have now been married i decided to get another belly ring to cheer him up in a way despite me being scared of pain and needles i hate it so much! He was very surprised and grateful en i have never seen such joy apart from our wedding day. I only managed to keep it in for about 2 years before i had to take it out again, of course he was so sad about it etc. I feel like i had to convince him why i had to do it and that it wasn’t really my choice and needed his permission on it.

In between he would ask if i would get my ears re-pierced again and said i would look nice with a nose ring etc he started to offend me by now and i though he is trying to change the way i look as he was so obsessed with me having long hair and red hair as well. I refused this time around as i thought its my body and he is not the one who is suffering through this. Fast forward a few years and here we are. I decided last year that i would get another piercing this time it would be a small one in my upper ear. I did this while we were on holiday and surprised him again, he loved it and looked at me like he was in love again, like before all the other piercings it did not heal not even after a year so a few months ago i had to take it out, this time he seemed more supportive knowing i don’t heal quickly and its truly not my fault.

The piercings has become a big thing in our marriage as he would only be turned on if i had (fake piercings) on my nipples in my, on my belly and he even suggested it would be nice if i had a piercing down by my lady parts, of course i had to wear big hooped earrings with tons of chains etc. He bought me more jewelry for my last birthday that i did not take well we had such a big fight over it that i wanted to throw it at him as i had enough with the whole jewelry thing, the last year has been about getting to change my hair color to reds and purples etc.

He will always go shopping with me and make sure that he has a say in whether i should take an outfit or not, most times he will observe and give his opinion but i end up buying what i like, we went to a wedding not long ago and he picked my shoes for me to go with my dress explain how the other shoes would cut me off at the ankles etc, he knows more about fashion then i do.

These are the thing and actions that has made me question if he was gay, I must be honest even when we were engaged i use to think he could be gay and just very good at hiding it, in our fights i have of course asked him this which he always denied, he has never been sexually passionate with me or made me feel like a safe and sexy woman i use to feel like it’s my brother giving me the compliments. When my husband went away for travelling for almost a month i was very lonely mentally and physically, i met a new neighbor that was 5 years younger than me who i became attracted to, we began a friendship that was flirtatious etc but i would never cross the line in another way we never kissed or anything like that it was just friendly flirt back and forth, when my husband came back i told him about our new neighbor and he started hanging out with us. The one day my neighbor were sitting outside our door steps when my husband came home early and saw us both sitting together, he pretended to notice that we liked each other, anyway i told my husband in desperation for attention or a reaction from him that he liked me and that i enjoyed his attention, i can’t even remember his response as it wasn’t a caring one he did not stand or fight for me nor confront our neighbor not that i wanted to, but it just hurt me knowing that he didn’t cared enough to do so.

I have always been very honest with my husband as i have no filter system and say what i think and don’t hide things from him but now i know he has been the one with secrets and hiding things from me, the problem we are facing now is that if he does turn out to be transgender then there is no way i can see this work, as there is no room for two females I have said to him that i will always stick by him no matter what i just can be intimate with another woman if he chooses to go that fare and change himself, I realize now all this obsessions with my looking a certain way has nothing to do with me but rather the way he wants to look. Here are a few more examples of what has been happening that i totally missed.

He has cut up one of my bikini without me knowing to make a template for a silver shiny bikini he tried to sew for me. Apart from the things he has done to try and change me he told me the following about him being possibly transgender:

He said he secretly liked being in his gym leotards as a boy while the other boys did not like it.
He said he saw me one day and thought what a lucky cow i am to have boobs
He said his cousin asked him once if he was gay
I have accused him of being gay
He is extremely feminine he takes at least 20 minutes longer than me in the bathroom.

Our big problem is that he says that he loves with my all his heart and that he is still physically attracted to me regardless and he does not fancy men or wearing woman’s clothing but the problem is i can not be with him if he starts to be and look like a woman i can not be in love with another woman!

These are just a few things we are figuring out, he also told me. My response to all this has been that i love him and i will help him and that. I cannot get out of our relationship because we are in a country when i am on a spousal visa and can only apply after 5 years for my citizenship, so I am pretty stuck until then. We also don’t have children and i think deep down that’s why both of us has not been thinking about it as we knew something is up. I am now 32 and feel lost in our marriage and my place in it. I know with all my heart and should that he loves me and that he wants to be with me, in what way i don’t know, it is so complicated right now and hate not knowing what to do or how to move forward as the decision will ultimately lie with me in the end. I do love him but in a very different way now I struggle to look at him the same knowing now what i do.

I hope someone can give me some form of options or hope. (From the UK)

My Husband Might Be Transgender

Answered by on -

A.

From everything you are saying it sounds as if he doesn’t see YOU, but rather someone that he has to make into a love object. Not good. Regardless of if he is gay, transgender, afraid of intimacy, or just emotionally incapable of empathy and understanding of what you need in the relationship, it isn’t working for you. Regardless of what you overlooked in the past — the bottom line is that the relationship isn’t working for you now. This is important to acknowledge (as you have in this email) and to begin gaining support for yourself. You sound clear about the fact that the relationship hold little for you — referring to yourself as being “stuck.” It is time to invest in your future by engaging in couple’s therapy, and if he isn’t interested, then individual. The goal here is to find a way to start addressing the fact that your marriage isn’t working, that you would divorce him if it weren’t for the visa, and that this isn’t — at all — what you’ve signed up for. Be clear that you didn’t become a couple so he could change you into something he wants. A good couple’s therapist should be able manage the process for both of you if your husband is willing.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My Husband Might Be Transgender

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). My Husband Might Be Transgender. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 20, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/07/01/my-husband-might-be-transgender/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.