I’d like to talk you about “normal.” People throw the term around very loosely. People say, “that’s not normal, it’s not normal” or “that’s abnormal.”
Let’s look at what normal really means. Based on something called the Bell Curve or the normal curve. Underneath this bell-shaped curve lies 100% of everything. All shoes sizes, all IQs, all body weights, everything.
At the high point of the Bell, which is at the middle, we have the mean or the norm. It is the average of all that lies beneath the Bell Curve. This midpoint is known as “the norm.” Normal means “to the norm.”
Just to be accurate, I need to be a bit technical. There are divisions under the Bell Curve that are called standard deviations. Technically, the area under the normal curve that is +1 and -1 standard deviation from the norm is considered to be “normal.” This area represents 68 percent of the total area of the Bell Curve.
So in a roundabout way what is “normal” is what is common to 68% of the population. Anything else, is not normal or is “abnormal.”
What you are thinking is not normal. Most people do not feel and think the way you are presently feeling and thinking. Most people do not want to poison their friends. Most people do not hear voices inside their heads. It is neither normal or healthy to feel the way that you do.
Society will not allow you to poison your friends or to kill anyone. Society has laws, police forces and prisons. All of these things are designed to punish murderers.
You have done nothing wrong, yet. Perhaps you will never do anything wrong and will not have to worry about the police and lifelong imprisonment. But beyond the fact that you should not kill and you will be severely punished if you choose to kill, you do not feel well and are not happy.
Even if you can control your urges to kill, you should seek therapy. Therapy will not only remove your urges to kill but will help you to have a happy and meaningful existence.
You have talk therapy and drug therapy. They can be applied alone or together but you can be helped. If you became happier, your urges to kill might simply go away.
Everything I write to you is simply conjecture because I have never had the opportunity to do an in-depth diagnostic evaluation of your life circumstances and your personality. You don’t need me to be your therapist. There are many within a 25-mile circle of your home.
Beginning therapy would be the very, very best thing that you could possibly do. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle