Everyday all day, most of what occupies my kind is various conversations with myself about Killing other people and being able to do it well. I’ve learned how to make various poisons, and really want to try them on my friends, who are the only people who make fun of me. My speech — to them is very strange — though I feel like I’m talking normal, and I don’t act the same around people who are not my friends. I don’t have a best friend, but I want to kill my closest one. I am anti-social for I do not talk a lot, except when the ball gets rolling fast. About the perception. I never agree with anyone. I believe humans are dirty and their major folly was being created in the first place. I am in no way suicidal,and my sister and some people I’ve been around for years say I’m very narcissistic. I have very very bad memory, and everything I do seems cloudy. I am always irritated though I do not show it. I am actually very timid. I feel no empathy or apathy. I seem to reflect people emotions back at them so I don’t seem monotone and out of place. I write — when I try — and talk somewhat eloquently. However, my brain always feels like it’s in a net. When ever a teacher give an assignment, I have to read or see it a few times before I can actually read the words; it is not like I do not comprehend; it’s more like I don’t read, even though I am. I feel like I have voices in my head, though I know they are myself, but they feel like other people, who have their own emotions. As well, I bite my nails a lot, and always have to be doing something with my hands, whether it’s touching something, biting them, or pulling on my hair, which I am somewhat pulling out. Moreover, I have no idea why I am writing this. It seems like a good detergent for me to actually kill, because I feel like this would be good evidence against me, expecially that I gave my good email, good username, city, zip, and state. This also plays into my extreme paranoia.I Want to Kill & I Do Not Feel the Same
I Want to Kill & I Do Not Feel the Same
I’d like to talk you about “normal.” People throw the term around very loosely. People say, “that’s not normal, it’s not normal” or “that’s abnormal.”
Let’s look at what normal really means. Based on something called the Bell Curve or the normal curve. Underneath this bell-shaped curve lies 100% of everything. All shoes sizes, all IQs, all body weights, everything.
At the high point of the Bell, which is at the middle, we have the mean or the norm. It is the average of all that lies beneath the Bell Curve. This midpoint is known as “the norm.” Normal means “to the norm.”
Just to be accurate, I need to be a bit technical. There are divisions under the Bell Curve that are called standard deviations. Technically, the area under the normal curve that is +1 and -1 standard deviation from the norm is considered to be “normal.” This area represents 68 percent of the total area of the Bell Curve.
So in a roundabout way what is “normal” is what is common to 68% of the population. Anything else, is not normal or is “abnormal.”
What you are thinking is not normal. Most people do not feel and think the way you are presently feeling and thinking. Most people do not want to poison their friends. Most people do not hear voices inside their heads. It is neither normal or healthy to feel the way that you do.
Society will not allow you to poison your friends or to kill anyone. Society has laws, police forces and prisons. All of these things are designed to punish murderers.
You have done nothing wrong, yet. Perhaps you will never do anything wrong and will not have to worry about the police and lifelong imprisonment. But beyond the fact that you should not kill and you will be severely punished if you choose to kill, you do not feel well and are not happy.
Even if you can control your urges to kill, you should seek therapy. Therapy will not only remove your urges to kill but will help you to have a happy and meaningful existence.
You have talk therapy and drug therapy. They can be applied alone or together but you can be helped. If you became happier, your urges to kill might simply go away.
Everything I write to you is simply conjecture because I have never had the opportunity to do an in-depth diagnostic evaluation of your life circumstances and your personality. You don’t need me to be your therapist. There are many within a 25-mile circle of your home.
Beginning therapy would be the very, very best thing that you could possibly do. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle