It’s impossible to provide a diagnosis over the Internet. If you scored high on those tests, then you might have those disorders. Diagnoses are typically provided after an individual has been evaluated, in-person, by a mental health professional. You might receive clarity about a diagnosis if you were to be evaluated.
You equate “antisocial” with being alone. In the context of psychopathy, antisocial means something different than being alone. Antisocial refers to antisocial personality disorder, which is a clinical diagnosis given to people who demonstrate traits of psychopathy.
Traits of psychopathy include: manipulation, disregard for the rights of others, a lack of feeling remorse or guilt, disregard for laws and social norms, glibness, and using violence to control others.
The fact that you killed a dog is worrisome. Most people would never kill any animal unless they were forced to, under life-and-death circumstances. Some theories suggest that people who kill animals “graduate” to people.
It’s also worrisome that you seriously contemplated killing your father. Thankfully, you decided against it, but you may not always have that level of control. You should seek help.
In the meantime, you should stop viewing violent videos. They could be having a negative impact on you. Instead watch videos about positive things, such as meditation, relaxation, random acts of kindness — essentially anything that is nonviolent and calming in nature.
You should also find healthy outlets to express your strong feelings. This can include exercise or anything that would allow you to expend negative energy. It might stop you from engaging in acts of violence.
I am not recommending the aforementioned ideas in lieu of treatment but because it is my understanding that in Nepal, where you live, access to mental health treatment is limited. If access to treatment is available, then you should seek help from a mental health professional. Treatment can help you control your behavior.
Finally, consider what your life would be like if you were imprisoned for murder. Prisons in Nepal are overcrowded and the conditions are extremely poor and inhumane. According to recent news reports, they don’t even meet the basic safety standards. The living environments are unhealthy and many prisoners commonly suffer with mental health problems and infectious diseases. There is no rehabilitation. A human rights group recently reported on a jail in Nepal that they deemed “a torture house.” They found 520 inmates “packed like sardines” in a space meant for only 60 people. Inmates did not even have enough room to stretch their legs to sleep, and 520 inmates shared seven toilets.
Right now you are free. You can go where you want and do what you want but if you decide to kill you will be locked away, in a cage, possibly for the rest of your life. You would have no freedom, no happiness and your life would be utter misery. You would wish that you had made a better choice. It’s not too late. Make the better choice; you are the only one who can make that decision. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle