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Abused As Child, Now Loves Bondage with Fantasy Person Who Abused Him

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I want to help my guy. He was sexually abused as a child, as was I. He was taught many sexual things from the woman. She is dead now. He practices light bondage and I try it out with him, I am not adverse to trying some things, but last night he texted he was with bad *her name*. He said when the bad one comes out he can not ignore her. It was like I was talking to a stranger. He is a sweet person, but he stays in his head. He fixates on women from his past and its all he talks about.

I should add that right now he is away from his job to get alcohol treatment outpatient. He has depression from finances and just his life in general.

I thought that doing things, getting him out of the house would help and it does in that moment but it feels like when he is alone he tries to make up for the time he was away from his fantasies.

I would love to suggest therapy because I don’t think the way he is living is healthy and he mentioned last night that he was doing things that were personally dangerous. If he is or if he just wants to get attention I am not sure.

I don’t think bondage in and of itself is bad but I think the source of his need to do it is. He sits outside naked when no one can see him with his genitals bound. he loves to give himself enemas and so forth. Its hard for me to figure out what is real and what is in his head because he always says, she tells me to do this or that and I must obey her.

How can I help him?

Abused As Child, Now Loves Bondage with Fantasy Person Who Abused Him

Answered by on -

A.

It’s important to be honest with him about your concerns. Emphasize that you’re worried about his personal safety and the fact that some of the things he does could lead to an arrest. Sitting outside, virtually nude, if done in public, is an arrestable offense. It would also probably be considered a sex offense and being labeled a sex offender would effectively ruin his life (and yours). You may not be aware of this but sex offender laws are rather draconian in nature.

You should not attempt to treat his problems because this should only be done by mental health professionals. These issues are complex and most likely stem from his sexual abuse as a child. They need to be dealt with in counseling.

When he’s more stable, perhaps you could suggest couples counseling. You may want to choose a therapist who specializes in sex therapy. Sex therapy attempts to resolve the emotional and psychological issues that might be hindering the sexual relationship. The focus is often on improving communication and intimacy. He might feel more comfortable with someone who is specially trained to help survivors of abuse, overcome sexual problems and who has a full understanding of human sexuality. A sex therapist meets those criteria. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Abused As Child, Now Loves Bondage with Fantasy Person Who Abused Him

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2018). Abused As Child, Now Loves Bondage with Fantasy Person Who Abused Him. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 23, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/06/16/abused-as-child-now-loves-bondage-with-fantasy-person-who-abused-him/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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