From years now I’ve been suffering from something unknown to me, and I’ve spent a long time doing some research to find on my own, I know that I really need to see a professional. I’ve been dealing with self-injury since I was like eleven, I don’t know how to explain it but it always felt like someone/something was always in the back of my mind telling me to do it because I deserved it. My beliefs are very odd, I’ve never been able to fit in my social environment and I never felt like I could, like I always needed to play a roll to fit, to put on a mask and act, and I must add that I don’t feel any desire to fit in, nor to have close relationships and I never feel comfortable with affection, or physical interaction.
Since I was a kid I used to believe that I could communicate with ghost and I had some encounters, and I remember I was very paranoid about it, I was always alone at home while my mom was working and I couldn’t stand the silence so I always needed the television on while I was doing something else like taking a shower or even sleeping, and now I still can’t handle very well the silence, sometimes I even heard people shouting, it was disturbing, and now I know I was the only one hearing it.
I’ve been trying to get better but it’s been years, when I’m not feeling suicidal I’m always in an emotional state of emptiness.
I never felt the desire to have a normal life, like studying, marrying, having kids, it seems to me like something strange and pointless, and I always thought that the world was probably like a dream, maybe some kind of experiment, like nothing feels real to me, why do we always need to follow this same pattern?
When people gets too close I push them away, I talk to people when needed but never really personal stuff and I always feel anxious everywhere, like I’m always sweating, shaking, feeling paranoid that something is gonna happen. I’ve had panic attacks before. All of these problems are always getting in my way, do I meet any criteria? can I get an advice? this is slowly killing me and I don’t know what to do! help me, please.I Don’t Know with What I’m Dealing
I Don’t Know with What I’m Dealing
Panic and anxiety seem to be a problem, as does social anxiety. Your social anxiety may stem from having spent a lot of time alone as a child and not having interacted with many others. If you haven’t had much experience interacting with others, it makes sense that you would fear these interactions. People are frightened of unfamiliar things.
Self-injury may be your way of attempting to deal with your strong emotions. It’s also sometimes related to feelings of low self-worth. People who don’t think highly of themselves often feel that they deserve to suffer.
Feelings of low self-worth might also explain your suicidal thoughts. Your feelings of emptiness are also likely related to your suicidal thoughts. If you don’t feel that life has any meaning or that anything is real, then it’s logical that you would consider suicide. It might be logical but it’s not normal or healthy and it’s a sign of depression.
In Viktor Frankl’s famous book, Man’s Search For Meaning, he discusses the root cause of depression. It is his belief that people need to find meaning in their lives, to have something to live for and without that, they will suffer from depression. He also contends that it is our duty to find meaning in life even when we are confronted with hopeless situations. It reminds me of Frederick Nietzsche’s famous quote “he who has a why to live for can bear with any how.”
From what you’ve written, these are long-standing problems. I would recommend consulting with a mental health professional. The idea of visiting a mental health professional might seem overwhelming to someone with social anxiety but I can assure you, it’s not. It’s a relief. You’ll finally be in the presence of someone who understands your symptoms and who can treat “what’s killing you.” Depression and anxiety are two of the most common mental health disorders. They’re both highly treatable with therapy or medication or both.
There are many therapists who can help you. I hope you will contact them and attempt to find the best one for you. Interview at least five of them and choose the one with whom you feel the strongest connection. That will give you your best chance of overcoming these very treatable issues. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle