Yes, you should get help. It is not normal to feel this way and treatment will help. You report that not only have you been experiencing depressed feelings for quite a while, but you have also thought of taking your own life, you’ve experienced paranoia and have recently become fearful that you could hurt someone else. These are all very serious concerns.
I also agree that it is unusual that you didn’t feel sad when people close to you died, however, we all grieve differently and some people experience the sadness later in time. But, if you are already clinically depressed, this condition could be masking your true feelings.
Please go see a therapist soon and be very honest about how you have been feeling and how long it has been going on. I would also suggest that you speak to your medical doctor or a psychiatrist as well, because at this point, it is likely that you will need medication to help you feel better.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts