My spouse and I have been living apart since day 1, living in different states. He battles issues of addiction, but seems to be fine with kicking the drug piece. Alcohol is still heavily involved. He moved away in with his sister 1,000 miles away to escape the problems faced here and restart his life. He eventually married me after 3 years of dating. He hasnt started a new career, couldnt get into the military, so I want him home. He is worried that moving back will bring back bad habbits, when I feel it was just escapism and more a bandaid verus getting to the issues as drinking is still an issue. He feels most comfortable with his sister, my job is stationary my career being 10 years strong with the federal government, I dont see the need to move when he only works in a bar (of all places) but doesnt fully support himself. I feel his mind races and he has coping issues and learning how to move stuff in the past. He had issues with his parents, being mixed race. Now I want him home, I know we have things to work on, but he is more terrified of facing the area where the issues with drugs were. He is up and down, agreed to move back but still having issues with facing the area and the people. His alcohol consumption is terrible, through the roof at least 5 drinks per day and sometimes can finish a gallon in as little as 2 days. I don’t know what to do, how to start dealing with this, I know he has to make the choice, but I don’t know what I can say. I am accused of not understanding, I ask why he flew back to marry me. But I can’t seem to separate him from his sister (who is in the military). There are a few issues yes, but I feel I can’t do much when my sleep is interrupted and I am 1,000 miles away. I’m dealing with his addiction, childish fear and not wanting to leave his old go to person and start our lives, I’m ready to throw in the towel but don’t want to leave.Spouse Scared of Outcomes of Moving Back to Area
Spouse Scared of Outcomes of Moving Back to Area
I’m sure that you care for your husband. I am sure that you love your husband. I am equally sure that the relationship, though a loving one, is weak. Clearly your husband is a very troubled man. He cannot support himself, he is recovering from a strong drug addiction, and he is currently an alcoholic.
I’m also sure that living apart is not a solution to his problems. I am sure that living with his sister is not a solution to his problems. No matter where he lives drugs are as readily available to him there as they would be with you in a different location.
You have developed and maintained a 10 year long successful career with the federal government. That is something you should be proud of and something that you should maintain. It is a great asset to both you and your husband. I am sure that there are just as many part-time bartending jobs where you live as where he is living currently.
You need to be realistic and recognize that you do not have a healthy relationship with your husband. The relationship is weak and unhealthy and one step away from a natural ending. I think it is most obvious that you love your husband. It is also obvious that he needs you, however it is not obvious that he loves you, at least not in a normal healthy way that would nurture a healthy relationship.
He chooses to stay away from you to avoid the environment that, in his mind, contributed to his drug addiction. I doubt sincerely that any area in which one lives causes one to choose the use of drugs.
Living with your sister, avoiding a certain part of the country are not known methods to deal with an addictive personality. He needs professional help, perhaps years of counseling to help him overcome his problems. In that long process, he could well use a loving wife who will support him emotionally and financially. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle