When my boyfriend and I started dating, things were wonderful. He accepted me for “me”, was non-judgmental, etc. One day he asked about my past. He had been married for most of his adult life, whereas I have never been married. I proceeded to tell him that I went to clubs from time to time when I was younger. He asked about my sexual past. I was honest and answered truthfully. He then began pulling away…saying I purposefully kept this from him. We broke up and got back together 3 times. Anytime he asks about it, I answer truthfully again. I have nothing to hide. Each time we have gotten back together, it has been better, but not anywhere near where it should be. He still believes I purposefully withheld this information, when in reality, I had never dated anyone that really cared about my past, so I didn’t think to share it. This situation has been a wall between us since we got together. I have done everything I know to do to reassure him and to help reestablish trust. This morning he tells me I haven’t done anything to make him believe in me. I feel like I have been busting my hump (so to speak), but at this point I don’t know what to do. Please help…how can I prove that I was telling the truth those months ago so we can be the couple we are more than capable of being?
I am sorry you are going through this so often with your boyfriend. My experience has been that this type of response, pulling away because of your partner’s past, is a cover for something else.
Offer to go to couples therapy with him. I highly recommend working together to sort this through. I believe that this is your best effort in keeping the relationship. It can help get to the bottom of it.
But, if he is unwilling to go with you I wouldn’t waste much time trying to convince him. If he can’t see the good person that’s in front of him right now, he can always use the past to break it off — and you deserve better than that.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe in Me. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 26, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/05/14/boyfriend-doesnt-believe-in-me/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.