I can remember at least 3 incidents as a child, the main one being when I was around 7-9 (we were the same age). My friend and I used to play many sexual games — these included humping and kissing each other and examining each other. I remember feeling very guilty and sad about this — sometimes when I wouldn’t want to play anymore she would force me — however I was a very bossy child so I do not know how much of this was my initiative.
The other incidents where I remember teaching two separate friends a “humping game” we would take it in turns to both hump a pillow.
I feel sick to my stomach when i think about this — what if all three girls were to come forward and they would work out I was the common denominator? I seemed to have been too sexual at that age — was I evil? and have I ruined their lives?
My ex boyfriend used to say to me that we were all children and the same age so how can I be a pedophile? I just have this fear is they were to go to the police now then I would be sent to prison.Worried I Was a Sexual Abuser as a Child
Worried I Was a Sexual Abuser as a Child
You are feeling guilty about something you were involved in as a child. Please try and remember how little you knew about the world and how it functioned. You were not a fully functioning adult mind in a child’s body. You were a child in a child’s body.
First of all, sexual games of the sort you have described, are very normal. If you were to study child psychology, you would see that these types of sexual exploration are very common. There are many types of exploratory play that children commonly experience. Many children have been caught by their parents playing “doctor.”
I think you would feel much better if you actually did do research into children’s sexual play activities. You would find that it is innocent and quite natural. And most importantly that it is quite common. It is not commonly talked about. Sexuality in the United States is not commonly talked about. It is commonly joked about but rarely seriously, openly discussed.
No child can be a pedophile because by definition a pedophile is an adult. Until you do the research that I have suggested or perhaps go to a therapist who will discuss their knowledge of the subject, I can only ask you to take my word for the fact that what you experienced is very, very common.
Do you know how much money your next-door neighbor makes? Do you know how much money your mother-in-law makes, or your brother or your friend at the coffee shop? Probably not, because people don’t talk about how much money they make, or how much money they have.
Do you know if your neighbor, mother-in-law, or friend at the coffee shop has engaged in childhood, sexually related play activity? Of course not, because they don’t talk about it any more than they talk about how much money they have in the bank or how much they make every year.
Doing some research or talking to a counselor who is trained in sexuality, will quickly prove that I am telling you the truth.
Dr. Kristina Randle