It started when I was seventeen, and stopped for quite sometime, just starting up again a few months ago. Only, now it’s more vivid. More terrifying. Yet, more… relaxing. I keep having extremely vivid daydreams/thoughts about killing myself. When I was a teenager, it was bleeding out. A razor across my wrists. Now, it’s a gun to the head. Barrel in mouth as the skull splits and cracks apart. Blood and gray matter spattered against the opposing wall. Or, I’ll fantasize about driving my car into a tree at 70mph, head on. I can’t shake these thoughts, and I have no real intention of killing myself. I have self-harmed in the past, and I still fantasize about that too. I know I need to talk to someone about this, but I’m scared I’ll be hospitalized or something, and I can’t afford that right now. (I can’t miss anymore work…). Is it normal to have these thoughts of suicide? What should I do?Vivid Thoughts of Suicide
Vivid Thoughts of Suicide
Thoughts of suicide are abnormal. They signify psychological distress. In your letter, you did not describe your situation in detail but you could be suffering from depression. Suicide never crosses the minds of happy, contented people. Depressed people, who are unhappy with their lives, might erroneously believe that suicide is a way to end their unhappiness.
It’s not likely that a therapist would consider you a candidate for hospitalization. A person is hospitalized against their will when they pose an imminent threat to themselves or to others. Daydreams and thoughts are not typically sufficient, in themselves, to pose imminent danger. If you have no intention to end your life or deliberate plans to end your life, then hospitalization is unlikely.
The wisest approach to deal with unhappiness is counseling. Begin the process by interviewing at least four or five therapists. They are not all the same. Choose the one with whom you have the strongest connection. You have nothing to fear. In fact, it will be a great relief.
At your first meeting, discuss what’s bothering you. The therapist will give you his or her impression about what they think the problem is. Then, a plan to treat the problem will be determined. If you are open and committed to treatment, then expect a positive outcome. Click the find help tab, at the top of this page, to find a therapist in your community. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle