From Quebec: I’m 19 and I have been dating my current boyfriend for a little under 3 years now. Compared to past experience with men, he is amazing. He is kind, generous, caring, concerned, and so much more. Only one problem; he is extremely unmotivated and quite lazy.
I love him and I do NOT want to end the relationship. I am willing to work at this as hard as possible to make it work. I have issues of my own (such as paranoia and anxiety) which I work at very hard and would like to see the same effort coming from him. We argue about this constantly, but not much has changed. He is currently at a part-time job he hates, but will not look for another one and he is in school full time but only focuses on classes he enjoys.
Despite our constant arguing (and i must admit, my nagging), nothing has changed. I understand this is a personality trait of his, but all I want is to see that he is putting in an effort to improve on this (Even he admits he does not like this about himself).
Is there anything I can do to encourage this? Is there some other way I can approach him to make HIM want to change this for himself? I do not want him changing for me because I know it will not last if he does. Thanks.
I understand: You want him to want to change. But as long as you are pushing, he isn’t going to take responsibility for himself. You’ve told him what you think. There’s nothing to argue about. Either he will or he won’t do the mature thing and start acting like an adult. All you can do is wait and watch and then decide.
You are only 19. The other “men” you’ve had experience with were boys so I don’t think you have a basis for comparison. I suggest that you take a huge step back from this relationship and make yourself available to men who are as mature as you are. You deserve that.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
My Boyfriend Is Unmotivated and Lazy
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Boyfriend Is Unmotivated and Lazy. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/04/24/my-boyfriend-is-unmotivated-and-lazy/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 24 Apr 2015) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.