I had glasses, unruly hair, and a weird wardrobe when I was a child and was constantly made fun of because of it from age 7-12 yrs old. I never had any friends to defend me and the teachers didn’t care or notice. I was too embarrassed to tell my family because, in their eyes, being bullied was seen as being weak.
My family and small group of friends at home would also use me as the center of their jokes and cruelty. Humiliated a lot of the time. My mother couldn’t control her anger and would frequently hit and scream at me. So I had to bottle up all of my rage since I wasn’t allowed to “talk back”. My dad would hit me also. They would apologize afterward but I didn’t care to hear it. When I entered high school, I was too afraid to speak to anyone because I was afraid of embarrassing myself. So I basically went through high school with few friends. My grades were horrible until I started taking Adderall at the age of 12 and then they became decent. Even though they got better, it didn’t help to hear my mother make annoying jokes about my intelligence. She thought I had no common sense. I don’t know.
Anyway, I tend to be very uncomfortable around people now and I know they can tell. I want to be an open person with tons of friends but I don’t know how. I distance myself from everyone. Even family. I feel like, if I just stay out of the way, I won’t face any problems. My parents wonder why I’m like this and it makes me very angry that I am being fully blamed. My brother and sister are just fine but they didn’t go through what I went through.
I am now working in film and commercial and song writing. Weird considering my fear of being social… Could my childhood contribute to the way I act now? Cant take antidepressants because of having to act. Would therapy help? I’m sick of feeling alone even when i’m surrounded by other people. I want to be free, open, and able to connect.