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I’m Obsessed about My Ex-Boyfriend

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From Sao Paulo: I have had a relationship with someone (for under 1 year), after 4 months I discovered he was a drug addict. Even though, I decided to keep the relationship and help him.

For a while I felt like I was getting results, but after couple months I realized he was still doing drugs, and each day more and more. I didn’t want to leave him, cause I felt like I loved him and that I should fight, and do my best to get him doing well.

After a while, nothing I have done was working anymore, and he was going drugs also in front of me, for like 2 months we would break up and get back together every week, because I could not accept his attitudes.

With 8 months of relationship I decided giving up. So I broke up with him. But even not with him anymore I can’t stop thinking about him.

I left USA because I thought it would be wiser to come back to my family and friends (I live in brazil i was in the US and my ex is american).

Deep inside I feel like I should have not given up on him. I think about him the entire day, and I worry about how is he doing. I try to “stalk” his facebook, linkedin, and email accounts to see if something is going on. I haven’t been sleeping at night well, I catch myself looking his online pages 2-3 am! I can’t help it, and I don’t know what to do.

I’m Obsessed about My Ex-Boyfriend

Answered by on -

A.

Please stop torturing yourself. You did far more than can be expected and, actually, far more than you should have done. No one can do the work for an addict that he needs to do for himself. You can love him. You can offer some emotional support but you can’t work harder on the issue than he does. It never works out.

I’m sure there must be a core of goodness in him for you to try so hard. But this is his journey to take, not yours. He needs to “bottom.” That means, he needs to see for himself that he is losing everything that really matters due to the drugs. For you to continue to hold his hand prevents that from happening. After giving so much, the kindest thing you could do, really, was to stop.

Here’s the link to Al-Anon in Brazil: http://www.al-anon.org.br/. Al-Anon is an organization for people who love an addict. They offer support and practical ideas for disengaging from another’s addiction. Please consider finding a group for yourself.

I strongly urge you to get on with your own life. I have to wonder if there is something troubling you that maybe you don’t want to face so you stay preoccupied with your ex rather than move on. He’s a great distraction but stalking him and thinking about him isn’t helping him and is keeping you stuck. If that’s the case, I hope you will look into getting some therapy to help you. To continue to be emotionally caught up in this relationship is unhealthy. You deserve better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m Obsessed about My Ex-Boyfriend

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). I’m Obsessed about My Ex-Boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 19, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/03/30/im-obsessed-about-my-ex-boyfriend/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.