You may have been driven by curiosity and an arousal to perform sexually in front of a stranger. The arousal often stems from a desire to be watched. What you may be describing is exhibitionism. Exhibitionism typically involves exposing one’s genitals to a stranger. In modern times, this often occurs via the Internet.
You’re not a horrible person nor are you a “sicko.” Some people have a non-dangerous compulsion to show their genitalia to strangers. Some research has also found that it’s natural for men to want to look at other men’s genitalia. It’s not something to feel guilty about.
While your desires might be psychologically explainable, they can lead to serious trouble. There are strict laws against individuals over the age of 18 interacting sexually with individuals under the age of 18. Had you (or the person viewing the webcam) been caught, you could’ve been prosecuted for engaging in unlawful sexual acts, and perhaps labeled a sex offender.
You made a mistake and have since corrected it. When you realized that your behavior was wrong you stopped. You have behaved in a responsible manner. An irresponsible person knows what they are doing is wrong and makes no effort to stop. That is not what happened in your case.
Your guilt over this incident is causing significant emotional distress. It should be addressed in counseling. Ask your parents to assist you in finding a therapist. A therapist could help you deal with your feelings of distress. Counseling is also the ideal place to discuss issues of sexuality. You’ll feel a lot better after talking this over with an objective, nonjudgmental, trained professional who can help ease your distress. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle