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Wondering if My Boyfriend’s Jealousy Is Normal or Abusive

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From the U.S.: My BF and I have been together for almost a year, he had some addiction issues in the past, but has them under control for years now. He has told me he finds it difficult to trust sometimes, but I said that he trusts me. A few months in to our relationship i noticed a few behaviors that were red flags. (We both fell for each other quite quickly). He seemed to really love the idea of love, always bought me presents, always affectionate and caring. He is a wonderful guy.

But then I started noticing some jealousy issues. he would talk about not wanting to bring me around his friends in dear of them hitting on me, he would accuse me of looking at guys in public when I wasnt. He would get upset about me not liking his posts on social media (I usually didnt even see it). He didnt like the idea of me getting a new job because there was a lot of guys that worked there. He went back and found pictures I had liked of guys from my past (before we were together).

I have never done anything even remotely shady, and he seems to still question me. He thinks I can be cold when I consider myself very affectionate. (pda and everything, we are always very flirty). These things were spaced out but have been adding up. I asked him why he doesn’t trust me and he will say he does, but then after 11 months of dating he said “can I really trust you 100%”.

This was obviously very concerning. we spend a lot of time together so there were times when I felt like I wanted some me time (tried my best not to refer to it as space). He said he understand but also seemed very offended and confused. I do not think he ever takes time for himself unless I am doing the same for me.

Anyway… I am questioning whether or not this relationship is worth saving because I feel a lack of trust/communication/understanding. Often he responds immaturely to these situations when I try to explain myself. I just dont know how normal these things are. he also says stuff like “why dont you just fucking break up with me already?” I just think we might not be compatible even though we love each other very much. I am more independent and he is more co-dependent.

Wondering if My Boyfriend’s Jealousy Is Normal or Abusive

Answered by on -

A.

I think you are correct. There are serious red flags. Your boyfriend seems quite insecure and controlling. You can’t reassure him enough because the problem is not in your behavior but in his head.

Trust is the key to a lasting relationship. You’ve done what you can to earn his trust but he is still questioning it — and he is blaming you. Not good. Please trust your instincts and slow way down.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Wondering if My Boyfriend’s Jealousy Is Normal or Abusive

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Wondering if My Boyfriend’s Jealousy Is Normal or Abusive. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 16, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/03/20/wondering-if-my-boyfriends-jealousy-is-normal-or-abusive/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.