Your abuser is still abusing you. Instead of taking full responsibility for his behavior, he is blaming you. You are so beaten down emotionally from years of abuse, you are questioning yourself. So — no, I don’t think you are an abuser. I think you’ve tried to defend yourself as best you can. You are a victim who has been victimized so much that you are even vulnerable to thinking you are a victimizer.
You and your kids need help to extricate yourself from this relationship and to re-orient your thinking. Please, please call The Alliance Against Family Violence and Sexual Assault. AAFVSA is a nonprofit organization that was started in your area and that is committed to stop domestic violence and sexual assault. Their 24-Hour Hotline is (661) 327-1091. They can provide counseling for you and the kids, child care, case management, shelter if you need it, and on-going support.
Despite being in a batterers program, your husband is showing that he isn’t going to stop the abuse. So it’s up to you to protect yourself and your children. But you don’t have to do it on your own. Please reach out and get the help you need.
One caution: Abusers often up the abuse when they find out their victim is looking for help. Delete this response from your computer. Use a friend’s phone or a computer at your local library to make contact with AAFVSA. The counselor on the hotline will give you guidance on how to protect yourself and the kids.
I wish you well.