From the U.S: Ever since I can remember, I have had people telling me to sit down and stop fidgeting. I had thought if I could bottle my “nervous energy,” I’d be rich!!
Both my parents are dead and I dropped everything to care for them and was the only one with them in passing. They both drank a lot, always. Dad died from it and actually it took my mom too, but pancreatic cancer was the diagnosis. I grew up with physical and mental abuse being apart of everyday life. When I was 17, my mom left while I was in school and left me with my very abusive dad. I somehow have managed all my life to “get by,” never got married and have no kids…I am 49 years old.
My life was a series of drugs, drinking, and in and out of jail for drug use for about a ten year time span, then the last time (20 years ago), I was in a court program called Hoovers drug court…it changed my life and I was good for awhile. I worked a great job and until my Dad’s illness struck, I had a life where I wanted for nothing, not speaking monetarily either. I walked away from that the day my Dad fell and couldn’t get up, he died 3 weeks later. My brother took just about everything my dad had built on (he was a “successful” drinker) to provide for our family.
I have suffered all of my days in trying to hold a conversation without being all over the place and constantly jumping around when talking, then all of the sudden I forget what I was gonna make a point about, and having a “brain freeze”, I talk to fast to loud I move to quick and I know what the final outcome will be in my tasks but it’s exhausting me day after day to get there. I absolutely cannot do interruptions, they get me lost. Although I would like to invite them.
I have one friend that I trust with my heart. I have been able to somehow keep jobs, once I get them (last one I had it 4 years), I was only on time to work twice!!! no joke! I resigned from it when my moms cancer required someone to be in her home with her. I lost her 09/2013, and I have just never regained ANY footing on my life. I have no friends which is strange to me no family and soon no home and I’m unable to keep appointments on time. EVER…I’ve tried so many different advices but to no success.
I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, mostly I’m sure cause I am emotional. I live on major “I can rule the world” then suffer in major “I can’t do anything,( blahs blah)!” I sometimes feel like the life I’ve lived up until now is like someone else’s life. this is strange but true. I hate that nobody cares and the way people judge and how people will treat someone with who they know has money differently. gosh what is wrong with people. in reality (close as I’ve come to that)!
As I am writing, I’m scared for the first thing, I can tell when dull drums are approaching and cannot and basically don’t want to stop them, I hate em. They immobilize me and that is the very thing that’s got potential to kick me out in the cold with nothing… I applied for assistance from my county, and requested assistance in the process And what a joke that was. good looking out. I have applied for many jobs and for some reason I’ve not even been contacted for interviews. That’s what I meant when I referred to “when”, I get a job. Honestly, I don’t know why I’ve struggled all my life with everything. it’s always been a challenge. I have always been considered to be nice looking and maybe that’s why nobody’s ever noticed my strangeness. any advice for me?