Thanks for writing in with this question. I’m very sorry that this happened to you and unfortunately scenarios like this happen much too often. Let me first say that the legal definition of rape or sexual assault may differ from what a clinical understanding might be. What you are describing here is coercion, basically someone relentlessly talking you into something you didn’t want to do. Even though you may have said “yes” at the very end, you were saying “no” all along and he should have respected that! The fact that you have anxiety and flashbacks about the event demonstrates that it was traumatic, and because of this I think it would be a great idea for you to talk to someone about it, such as your school counselor or a private therapist. Events like this can have far reaching effects.
That being said, I hope that you won’t allow a similar scenario to happen again. You are contemplating being intimate with someone who you describe as a “possible” boyfriend. How do you know if he is any different than the other guy unless you are in a legitimate relationship? I don’t mean to be negative, but many teenage boys are very driven to have sex, and think it’s especially great if the girl is a virgin. I have heard many, many stories from girls who thought they were special to a certain guy and had sex, only to be ditched for the next girl afterward. Whether or not you are a virgin to the guy you currently like should be less important than if he treats you with respect and is willing to commit to you, even without sex being a part of the relationship.
Again, I’m sorry this happened to you. It was wrong and I hope you will speak to a professional about it. I also hope that you will first focus on developing a solid relationship before you consider being sexually intimate with someone. You need time to heal.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts