So, I was at this guy I knows house watching a movie, after a little while he started making moves and soon enough he had my clothes off and was pulling me on top of him. He then asked if I wanted to have sex and I said no very clearly and he just pleaded and telling me how he should be my first and don’t you love me. And I kept saying no to him. Even after saying it multiple times, he started to slip himself into me. And I kept saying no, that I didn’t want to and that there are other things we can do. Just as he was about to actually thrust himself inside me I said yes. And we had sex, he only wore a condom part of the time which terrified me but I was in too much shock to say anything. Since obviously I was not aroused it was very painful and just not pleasant at all. The next day I couldn’t hardly walk. I only had said yes because I felt like he would never stop prodding and I am a major people pleaser and I just didn’t want him to be mad at me. After I left his house I drove around for hours In silence and I could still smell him on me. When I got home I hurried to take a shower and get rid of his smell and even still if I smell anything close to the smell of ejaculate I cringe and start having a panic attack. And I lie awake at night thinking about it and how I never wanted it and I should have just cried or kept saying no.
Now, I met a guy and he’s supper nice and we’ve flirted and he has hinted at being intimate. I told him I was a virgin because I just want to start over and he said that’s amazing and he totally respects it. As much as I want to be intimate with him, I’m terrified that I’ll have flashbacks and panic attacks. I feel like I should tell him so he’ll understand if something bad happens with my emotions. I also feel like he will be upset because I told him I was a virgin. Even though in telling so, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. So all around I’m just scared. (age 17, from US)Do You Think I Was Raped and Should I Tell Possible Boyfriend?
Do You Think I Was Raped and Should I Tell Possible Boyfriend?
Thanks for writing in with this question. I’m very sorry that this happened to you and unfortunately scenarios like this happen much too often. Let me first say that the legal definition of rape or sexual assault may differ from what a clinical understanding might be. What you are describing here is coercion, basically someone relentlessly talking you into something you didn’t want to do. Even though you may have said “yes” at the very end, you were saying “no” all along and he should have respected that! The fact that you have anxiety and flashbacks about the event demonstrates that it was traumatic, and because of this I think it would be a great idea for you to talk to someone about it, such as your school counselor or a private therapist. Events like this can have far reaching effects.
That being said, I hope that you won’t allow a similar scenario to happen again. You are contemplating being intimate with someone who you describe as a “possible” boyfriend. How do you know if he is any different than the other guy unless you are in a legitimate relationship? I don’t mean to be negative, but many teenage boys are very driven to have sex, and think it’s especially great if the girl is a virgin. I have heard many, many stories from girls who thought they were special to a certain guy and had sex, only to be ditched for the next girl afterward. Whether or not you are a virgin to the guy you currently like should be less important than if he treats you with respect and is willing to commit to you, even without sex being a part of the relationship.
Again, I’m sorry this happened to you. It was wrong and I hope you will speak to a professional about it. I also hope that you will first focus on developing a solid relationship before you consider being sexually intimate with someone. You need time to heal.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts