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Home » Ask the Therapist » How to have my ex forgive me for domestic violence?

How to have my ex forgive me for domestic violence?

Asked by on with 1 answer:

My ex and I were together for 3yrs and just split officially in October. I won’t talk negatively of her bc nothing deserves what I did to her. She hurt me a lot over a very long period. She never worked, and I cared for her the entire time even after we split. I guess I started to resent her bc of it. I became severely depressed in the months leading to the fight due to things that she was doing. One night, after she spent every dollar we had drinking, I decided that I was done supporting her. When she got home, I took back the phone I gave her and snapped it in half. We got physical. She hit me and I just lost it. Over the course of about an hour and a half, I flicked her, I squeezed her legs, I punched her legs, I pushed her and I said horrible things.

It’s been over a month since this all happened and we are talking as friends. But I love her more then any one I have ever known and I want this to work. I’m in counseling and so is she. But she says that she doesn’t know if she can ever get over it enough to be together. After were both in a better place and we are both stable, I want her back. I’ll never hurt her again but I don’t know what I can do to show her that bc my words don’t matter.

How to have my ex forgive me for domestic violence?

Answered by on -

A.

I think you still have some work to do. You began your letter by saying that you wouldn’t talk negatively about your ex. Then you followed up with a list of all the things she did to hurt you. Whether or not everything on the list is true, you are the one who decided to get violent.

Healthy couples who have big problems talk them out or take a break. They don’t physically and verbally hurt each other.

I’m glad you are both in therapy. Even from your short letter, I think you both need to do some growing before you are ready to be in a relationship. Eventually, if you both want to try to save the relationship, you might try some couple therapy to see if you can forgive each other and learn how to be a team that can share the responsibilities of a relationship and work out problems in a loving and supportive way.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

How to have my ex forgive me for domestic violence?

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). How to have my ex forgive me for domestic violence?. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/02/18/how-to-have-my-ex-forgive-me-for-domestic-violence/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.