After we got engaged, my fiancé masturbates 1-3 times per night in bed next to me. This starts as soon as the TV is turned off. It wakes me up every night, and I end up sleeping in a different room. When I asked him about it, he got upset, called me a “crazy person” and said maybe I was sexually abused earlier in my life; why else would I think that? He said he is a good, Christian man that would never do anything like that and he is horrified that I would think he would do this in bed next to me. He says he wants proof he is doing it, which of course, I don’t have. There is no evidence. He is a good man, and a man I want to marry, but I don’t know how to marry a man that I can’t sleep next or that lies to me about this. I know he is faithful, but we have no sex life. Do we need counseling before we get married? Please help.
Anybody who responds so vehemently can’t have your best interest at heart. This is important. Don’t let yourself be swayed by his reaction. Explain that you’re bothered enough that you are leaving the bed. This isn’t your problem alone — both of you are involved in. While the issue is of a different caliber, countless couples go through this with one accusing the other of snoring. The offender is often unaware and demands evidence. Your husband may not know he is doing it, he may be lying, but in either case if you are being woken regularly — it needs to be resolved. Explain that a sexless relationship and calling you a crazy person isn’t the life you are looking for. On the other side of the coin, the next time you are woken up by this reach over and find out exactly what’s happening.
Whatever is happening I think couple’s therapy would be a good idea. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a therapist in your area.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Fiancé Masturbates Next to Me and Denies It. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 23, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/02/18/fiance-masturbates-next-to-me-and-denies-it/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.