My name is Alejandro, I am 18 year old guy from Mexico. I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, I am gay and I deeply hate myself. I was trying to deny it for many many years and it just won’t go away. As I am getting older, it’s only getting worse. Believe me, I am trying to accept myself but I just can’t. Not when everyone says it is a sin. Another thing I hate is that I feel so alone. As I said I live in a small town and have no one to talk to. The only person who knows is local psychologist and she is nice, but I don’t feel she helps me and I don’t want to tell her that. Probably it is me who is blocking the process, but I don’t think she worked with many gays since my town is pretty conservative, and it took me a lot of courage to tell her my secret. I feel like a loser, failure and disappointment. I have 18 years, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I never kissed anyone and I feel shame because of it. The only positive thing in my life is that I have excellent grades, I’m gonna start medical school soon and I have big ambitions in that field. But the thing is that no matter how big accomplishment I achieve in school I consider myself a big failure. There are days when Im daydreaming about coming out and having my family,friends and boyfriend as a support, but those days are rare. Besides being gay I have low opinion of myself. I really want to make people happy, but I can’t do that because I’m grumpy all the time. I don’t know if it is because of struggles I have or I’m just that kind of person. I hate the way I look and the way I act. Sometimes I am sarcastic to my parents and make them feel bad, but I apologize later.I hate to admit this but I may be blaming them for my low self esteem,even though they love me. I am so sorry for this dark letter, but I just can’t remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. Probably as I child. I am aware of the fact that I will stay unhappy for a while,maybe for the rest of my life. (From Mexico)Horrible Self-Esteem Issues
Horrible Self-Esteem Issues
I appreciate the courage it took to send this letter. Since you have already been brave enough to bring it up to the psychologist, I would talk to her about making plans for your growth. You need someone to talk to –and she is your point person. The goal is to come up with a plan for change and talking with her about those possibilities is your best first step. Ask for her to help in finding information and resources. This ultimately may mean you will have to make some big changes, but for right now it is someone to talk and plan with.
You may also want to use our forums to talk with others about your plans.