From India: Hello, I am 23 yrs old. I have been in a relationship for the past 2 yrs. My family supports it too and are happy about it. But my fiance is very possessive and moreover very outdated in thinking. I am a more open-minded and forward thinking person. I feel women should have all the rights that men do. I feel that is how it should be. But he thinks just the opposite. And I listen to him and move accordingly. And try to keep myself happy. But sometimes it gets too much that I burst out and I do try make him understand, but he just sticks to his decision and never changes it for me. I used to be an emotionally strong person earlier. But now i am getting really weak and confused. I just find my happiness through spirituality and through constantly reading positive stuff online and otherwise. Though we do not fight often and he is happy with me, I am really not happy except sometimes. I am really worried of how am I going to live with him. And I don’t want to hurt my parents or him too. I am confused. What should I do. Please help. Thank-you.
I am worried as well. You and your fiance are in disagreement about something very fundamental to your relationship. From your description, it sounds like the way you keep peace is by burying your own feelings. You are choosing to hurt yourself instead of hurting him or your parents.
You may be able to sustain this. But I ask you to think about whether you can do so for the next 40 or more years. Marrying him will mean accepting his point of view for the rest of your life. If you can’t imagine doing that, you will probably become increasingly resentful and angry — which will make both of you very unhappy in your marriage.
Please consider whether it might be better to hurt his feelings now when you are both young and can move on to someone else. Otherwise, you may be setting both of you up for tremendous hurt later.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
My Fiance Is Outdated in His Thinking
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Fiance Is Outdated in His Thinking. Psych Central.
Retrieved on September 16, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/02/07/my-fiance-is-outdated-in-his-thinking/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.