“Fear” isn’t exactly the right word: it’s more like a terror. It started a few years ago, I think, I’m not quite sure. I just started having horrible nightmares about being abused in the most unimaginable situations. It’s gotten worse until I can’t sleep a full night without having these awful nightmares. It’s started to creep into my daily life, too. I’m afraid to be alone at home because I feel as though there is someone or something watching me. I am suspicious of every man. For some reason I genuinely think that every man is capable of hurting me. Then sometimes it’s as though I WANT to be hurt, like I fantasize about it happening. Not so much fantasizing in a way that I would find it pleasurable, more that I feel as though I would deserve for it to happen. I feel as though it is going to happen, only a matter of time. I don’t understand this anxiety, I have never been abused sexually or otherwise. My boyfriend is a very kind, gentle man, and has no idea that I have these thoughts or that I sometimes want to ask him to hurt me. I am tormented by this every day. Please help me.Overwhelming Fear of Rape
Overwhelming Fear of Rape
I appreciate you asking this question. The key to understanding this is what you said about deserving for it to happen. The work here is to find out what is generating that thought. I would write down the timeline of when this began and the themes that have emerged, as well as any patterns you may have noticed. I would then make an appointment with a clinical psychologist (the “find help” at the top of the page will help you find one near you.)
Bringing this material to the psychologist will allow him or her to help you sort through what is causing these feelings.