My psychologist says I’m not depressed. She says I’m finding excuses. Maybe I am, But I have no concentration, I don’t want to do anything. I feel hopeless, life, the future, everything seems hopeless. Sometimes I just feel like dying. I’ve been told I have delusions and paranoia. For years I lived thinking an audience was watching me. I would talk to myself all the time, although I thought I was talking to the people watching me. I had no privacy. Whatever I did, they were watching. I really thought people were watching me. I saw their responses, and comments about things I said. Even though I’ve been told this is false, I find it hard to believe. I still talk to them, but I’m confused now.
I don’t trust people. When I’m in public I think people are talking about me, mostly negative. I’m afraid of having the lights off, because I’m afraid someone might be there. I always check the backseat of my car before I go in, in case there’s someone sitting there wanting to murder me. When sitting or walking, I constantly look behind me, even as I’m typing this. I don’t dare check under my bed, because, again, someone might be there. I think people know something I don’t Like that the world isn’t real and that they’re supposed to keep a secret from me. When I watch Youtube videos I believe the people in the videos can see me, so I always say certain things relevant to the video. I believe that I’m special and better than everyone else. That I have a special purpose to great things, and that I am awesome at everything I do. In some situations I believe people can read my thoughts. Like if they say something I’m thinking. The other day I was thinking about my dad for a while, and 5 minutes later, he comes to visit me, which makes me wonder if I can make things happen.
I’ve been told all this isn’t real, but I can’t accept it. I’m not sure if I want to live anymore. My shrink blames it all on the Aspergers (which I have). But I’ve read about and I can’t find anything about what I’m experiencing. Which makes me think it’s something else, and she doesn’t want to tell me for whatever reason. There’s some more, but I couldn’t fit it all in.I’m Depressed & Somewhat Suicidal
I’m Depressed & Somewhat Suicidal
You’re probably feeling this way because of your untreated symptoms. The good news is that your symptoms are highly treatable with medication.
Is your “shrink” a psychiatrist? If not, you should consult a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in treating psychiatric conditions, often with medication. Untreated delusions and paranoia can be both severe and disabling. Without treatment, they typically get worse.
Once your symptoms are treated, you will probably feel a lot better. You will no longer feel that people are talking about you or that they are out to get you or that they can read your thoughts. Your depression may even go away.
It’s important that you know that your symptoms are treatable and you can be helped. I hope you’re able to find the help that you desire. If you feel that you cannot keep yourself safe, then immediately go to the emergency room. They will keep you safe. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle