From the U.S.: Ok, I will so my best to make my situation clear. I have battled with panic disorder (with agoraphobia), and severe generalized anxiety disorder since I was 7 years old (I’m 19). I’ve had two severe major depressive episodes, one of which I am going through right now. I’ve tried a variety of treatments, and am currently NOT on any medication.
I have had some new symptoms lately. I have terrible thoughts of harming my loved ones (specifically my boyfriend and my mother). These thoughts are really vivid, and they are nearly constant. When I have them I fear that I am losing control or that I’m going to go crazy. These thoughts are completely opposite of who I am we a person; I can’t even harm a bug! I have no history of violent behavior. But sometimes I have “urges” to act on these thoughts which makes me panic even more. I don’t know if these are real urges (I don’t want to act on them!) or just adrenaline from my anxiety.
I also recently developed a fear of developing psychosis or schizophrenia. I started obsessing over the possibility of having psychotic symptoms, and spend a lot of my time researching these disorders on the internet. Since I have started doing this, I’ve begun to “hear” voices IN MY HEAD (not external). These “voices” (which aren’t in my own voice BUT I recognize them as my own thoughts) can be commanding, or can be just scary things like laughter. I’ve also started to “have delusions” (which I don think are true delusions because when I have them I panic and think, “why am I thinking like that”). I’ve also started “imagining” that I am seeing things, although I don’t think that I am truly hallucinating. Almost every “symptom” that I am experiencing is something that I’ve read online. I also suffer from racing thoughts, and my mind is NEVER quiet. I constantly have music running through my head as well. Could this be from stress and anxiety?
After discussing my new symptoms with both my psychologist and my psychiatrist, I got two different opinions. My psychologist believes that all of this falls on my anxiety, and might be a form of OCD. My psychiatrist (who I just met for the first time; as I was considering trying medications again), however, diagnosed me with major depressive disorder-severe, recurrent, with psychotic features. The fact that he diagnosed me with a form of psychosis makes me panic even more. Again, my therapist of four years is reluctant to label me “psychotic” as I have full insight to what I am experiencing. She thinks I am obsessing over the potential of losing control and harming others, and obsessing over developing psychosis or schizophrenia.
What is happening to me? Do you think I am psychotic or do you think that this is likely a result of my long-standing, unsuccessfully treated anxiety?