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Girlfriend Issues

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I have been going out with my girlfriend for just over 3 years and have been living with her for almost a year. This is both our first proper long term relationship ans of course I love her to bits. As with the start of any relationship we were all over each other, and as things started to get more serious, it got less and less. About 3 months ago she told me about her past before she met me, and how she wasn’t very lonely when she went out! She said that she wasn’t very proud of it. I know she was entitled to see other people, but I hate this thought that is going through my mind (no, I didn’t see other people before I met her). I was recently at her house and put on a big jumper from her wardrobe, which she asked me not to wear as it was not hers, this started it off again.

I am trying to be as patient as i can.

We have discussed our future, about where we want to be and about kids, marriage, she says that she is not sure if she wants them or not, I for one do think I want them but not any time soon, and i have told her this.

I really want to enjoy my 20’s, and with her. I met her at the start of her last year in college and she said that the idea of finishing college and moving to america to date men over there, so in that way I feel as if I have taken that option away from her, she is her mid 20’s and feels that she is sometimes too old to wear the more revealing outfits, which of course I am not a big fan of. I am sitting here writing this wondering how am I to get used to it, if I don’t and I break up, how will I find some one as awesome as my current girlfriend, and I know that any other girl at my age will come with a past.

I am trying to make things exciting in life and in the bedroom , she said last night that sometimes she just doesn’t want to and said that she doesn’t know why.

Am I just struggling to come to terms with getting older, or getting to the later stages of a relationship? Or is it something bigger?

Thanks for your time (even typing this out has helped.)

Girlfriend Issues

Answered by on -

A.

I’m glad that typing it out has helped. There are two major elements in your email that we want to look at. First there is a natural shift in an ongoing relationship where the intensity and excitement shift to a more sustainable connection. I’ve written a bit on this in this article you might find helpful.

Secondly, understanding that at your age no one comes without a past — the is the territory of being a young adult. Most relationships you will encounter at this age will involve previous romantic or sexual partners and coping with that will be important, not only in this relationship but in other ones that may follow.

I would highly recommend a book called the Resilience Factor that helps you challenge your thoughts as they emerge concerning her past. I think this would be a good way to cope now and in the future. Finally, I would encourage you to have discussions about the status of the relationship as what it means to the both of your for the future.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Girlfriend Issues

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Girlfriend Issues. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 19, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/01/01/girlfriend-issues/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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