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Home » Ask the Therapist » It’s Been so Long since I Slept Peacefully.

It’s Been so Long since I Slept Peacefully.

Asked by on with 1 answer:

From 17-year-old in Malaysia: First of all, my family. I did not grow up with my family since I was 2 months old. I only go back home on weekends. On weekdays, it’s just my grandma and I. I think my mum dislikes me. She scolds me badly. My brother gets everything he wants. Recently they presented him a house and got him ps4. He even owns an iPhone.

My mum said she doesn’t want to go on vacation with me. She just hates my presence. She humiliates me in front of everyone.

Second, I have a boyfriend. At first he was very nice. But now he just ignores me. Doesn’t care to reply my texts but he is online. He seems to be ashamed to call me his girlfriend. He lies to me. He posts pictures with other girls. I Don’t want us to end because he says things like he will take care of me when I finish my studies, but I also think how if he is not gonna change in the future. It hurts that whenever I tell him something, he ignores me. Even family problems. He doesn’t seem to be paying attention.

I’ve even cut myself couple of times. I cry to sleep every night. I tend to get so angry. I can’t accept the fact that the one I hold precious the most are the ones who hurt me so much. Sometimes when I miss being loved, I call him out. And once he said something like, you think I’ve got no better work to do rather than fetching you out is it? That killed me. I can’t concentrate in studies. My grades have dropped massively. The next I know, I will kill myself because I’ve already started to talk to myself for past 4 years. I have an illumination friend. Please help me. It’s been so long since I slept peacefully.

It’s Been so Long since I Slept Peacefully.

Answered by on -

A.

To have parents who are rejecting and neglectful hurts. It hurts a great deal. Because vulnerable and naive children believe whatever their parents tell them, rejected kids often grow up feeling like they somehow deserve it. They don’t.

Often when parents act like this, there is a secret or shame that has nothing to do with their child. Often the child is a reminder to the parent of a mistake she or he has made. The parent can’t stand the reminder so they hate the child. The child is the scapegoat for something they neither created nor understand. It’s not fair. It’s not okay. It has nothing to do with who you are.

You don’t realize it, but you are recreating your situation with your mother with your boyfriend. That’s not unusual. People often find partners who treat them in a way that is familiar — even if the familiar is terrible. Children initially learn how to be in relationships through their relationship with their mothers. In your case, the relationship is abusive and uncaring. Your boyfriend is just like your mom. He is not going to change. He will not give you the love you need and deserve. But you don’t have to settle for his rejections in order to have someone in your life.

You have a choice about whether you want to repeat your childhood experience or do something different in your adult life. That will take effort but it can be done! I strongly urge you to get some therapy or join an online support group to help you reject the rejection you have received by your mother and the boyfriend.

Dump the boyfriend. You deserve better. You don’t have to be ignored, criticized and hurt for the rest of your life. You think of killing yourself because your self-esteem has taken a beating. Please understand that you are not stuck with the self-esteem you have. You can change it so that you feel good about yourself and worthy of a healthy and caring relationship.

Often a grandparent or another adult friend can be a positive antidote to the bad treatment by a parent. In your case, I hope your relationship with your grandmother is a healthy one. It is pointless to try to make your mother be more loving. But your grandmother did take you in. It may be that you can do more to be close to her. If not, do look for other adults who can be positive mentors and friends. You need the affirmation and support of some caring older and wiser people.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

It’s Been so Long since I Slept Peacefully.

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). It’s Been so Long since I Slept Peacefully.. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 24, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/12/28/its-been-so-long-since-i-slept-peacefully/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.