To have parents who are rejecting and neglectful hurts. It hurts a great deal. Because vulnerable and naive children believe whatever their parents tell them, rejected kids often grow up feeling like they somehow deserve it. They don’t.
Often when parents act like this, there is a secret or shame that has nothing to do with their child. Often the child is a reminder to the parent of a mistake she or he has made. The parent can’t stand the reminder so they hate the child. The child is the scapegoat for something they neither created nor understand. It’s not fair. It’s not okay. It has nothing to do with who you are.
You don’t realize it, but you are recreating your situation with your mother with your boyfriend. That’s not unusual. People often find partners who treat them in a way that is familiar — even if the familiar is terrible. Children initially learn how to be in relationships through their relationship with their mothers. In your case, the relationship is abusive and uncaring. Your boyfriend is just like your mom. He is not going to change. He will not give you the love you need and deserve. But you don’t have to settle for his rejections in order to have someone in your life.
You have a choice about whether you want to repeat your childhood experience or do something different in your adult life. That will take effort but it can be done! I strongly urge you to get some therapy or join an online support group to help you reject the rejection you have received by your mother and the boyfriend.
Dump the boyfriend. You deserve better. You don’t have to be ignored, criticized and hurt for the rest of your life. You think of killing yourself because your self-esteem has taken a beating. Please understand that you are not stuck with the self-esteem you have. You can change it so that you feel good about yourself and worthy of a healthy and caring relationship.
Often a grandparent or another adult friend can be a positive antidote to the bad treatment by a parent. In your case, I hope your relationship with your grandmother is a healthy one. It is pointless to try to make your mother be more loving. But your grandmother did take you in. It may be that you can do more to be close to her. If not, do look for other adults who can be positive mentors and friends. You need the affirmation and support of some caring older and wiser people.
I wish you well.