From the U.S.: My boyfriend has multiple girls online that he communicates with. He tells them he loves them and they share naked pictures with each other. He also calls them on the phone and texts them he says it means nothing because they live abroad. I recently found out that he has been seeing this local girl the whole time we have been together about 1.5 years but he says they are just friends and are no longer romantically involved, but he refuses me to meet her. He tells me these relationships don’t mean anything and I am ruining our relationship and that he wants us to get married … I insisted he take a class at the church that offers help on dealing with sexual temptation. He has started these classes but he has not ended his online relationships … is he addicted to this behavior? Can he change? Should I even bother on giving him a chance?
The short answer to your question is “no.” You probably shouldn’t give him more chances. You two are in your 40s, so this is probably a long-established pattern of behavior for him. Although you have been together for a year and a half, your boyfriend isn’t willing to become a faithful partner. He has lied to you and refuses to let you meet his so-called “friends.” I suspect that he is going through the motions at the class in order to keep you in his stable of relationships. He has no intention of really changing.
One of my teachers used to say, “Two relationships are fewer than one.” What he meant is that by having many relationships, a person doesn’t have to take the emotional risk that is involved by becoming a loving and exclusive partner. I don’t have the information needed to help you understand why your boyfriend needs to protect himself this way. I do know that when someone has a long history of his kind of behavior it takes a great deal of motivation and often intense therapy to change it.
I’m sure there is something sweet about him since you (and the other women in his life) do care for him. But I think you are setting yourself up for more hurt if you try to make a marriage with this man.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
Should I Even Bother on Giving Him a Chance?
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Should I Even Bother on Giving Him a Chance?. Psych Central.
Retrieved on September 19, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/12/27/should-i-even-bother-on-giving-him-a-chance/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.