I have problems organizing my thoughts or connecting them. My long term and short term memory are always fuzzy. Trouble focusing. Sporadic sleeping patterns. I’m 20 now, but since about 7th grade I’ve had strange feelings and emotions. I could never focus in school. It was like I thought about everything and nothing all at once and it just became a huge gnarled mass of abstract thoughts with little foundation. I’ve had some darkness in my life since I can remember. I look at photos from long ago of myself and my family and I can barely connect. In middle school the only people I looked up to were the Columbine school shooters and demonic idols. I wanted to commit mass murder. I fantasized about it. I have discovered myself in the past 3 years to be a nihilist and somewhat of a misanthrope. I can’t be happy. When I am it’s for a few minutes to an hour or two. Then I get really self critical and start questioning everything in existence. I have no friends around. I’ve never had a relationship with anyone from the opposite sex. I find it hard to get aroused watching sexually explicit material sometimes. I usually end up questioning the workings of society and humanity at some point during the viewing of sexually explicit material. My only joy in this world is masturbation, nicotine consumption, and recording music. I don’t really enjoy those things anymore. I haven’t for a while, but I keep doing them. I write poetry about humanity and narrow minded ideology. It’s painful but I end up laughing at its frankness. I can’t keep a job. I make detrimental split second decisions on occasion. I hate socializing most of the time. I rarely move. I forget I even exist a lot of the time. I hate life. I’m terrified of death. I’m terrified of the unknown. Just today I was playing with the idea of mass homicide just to leave a mark on this god forsaken planet. Please don’t contact the authorities. I wasn’t making plans. the idea just popped into my head for some reason. people tell me I’m handsome, but I cant see it. I want to be alone all the time. used to fantasize about being in a padded room and sleeping and dreaming for eternity. My dreams are usually about places I’ve never been and people I’ve never seen. I get deja vu quite often. There’s more, but this is already too long. I don’t know what I’m looking for and I can’t afford a therapist or medication. Any advice or insight would be appreciated. I’ve felt this way for too long.Concerned about My Mental State
Concerned about My Mental State
I’m very concerned about your letter. This is no way to live and you have been living in this dark place for so long. I sincerely hope that you will get some help. Your beliefs may be shaped by clinical depression or another psychological disorder, or could be a reaction to negative life events, and both can be treated. Life does not have to be so desolate and full of despair. There are good people all around you and positive life experiences waiting to be perceived. It is easy to develop tunnel vision and only see the negative. It may take some work to open yourself up to a different way of being, but it is worth it.
There are community mental health centers that offer services to those in financial need. Please look into what your area has to offer. If you ever feel that you might act on your thoughts of hurting others, please take yourself to the closest ER immediately. It is not fair to hurt innocent people because of your pain, and your pain can be treated.
Give yourself a chance to get better. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts