I’m very concerned about your letter. This is no way to live and you have been living in this dark place for so long. I sincerely hope that you will get some help. Your beliefs may be shaped by clinical depression or another psychological disorder, or could be a reaction to negative life events, and both can be treated. Life does not have to be so desolate and full of despair. There are good people all around you and positive life experiences waiting to be perceived. It is easy to develop tunnel vision and only see the negative. It may take some work to open yourself up to a different way of being, but it is worth it.
There are community mental health centers that offer services to those in financial need. Please look into what your area has to offer. If you ever feel that you might act on your thoughts of hurting others, please take yourself to the closest ER immediately. It is not fair to hurt innocent people because of your pain, and your pain can be treated.
Give yourself a chance to get better. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts