I have been living with my beloved woman for over 7 years now. We got married over a year ago. But for the past 6 years we hardly have any sex. It has been irregular and very infrequent.
My wife says she needs me to be a man, to show initiative, to be genuinely dominant at least in some aspects of life. She says I fail to take responsibility for my life. And all that prevents her from getting aroused, from wanting me.
On my side, every time I want sex, I feel a huge responsibility, a need to make things perfect, and an irrational fear of doing something wrong, causing my wife unpleasant feelings. As a result, I hardly make any advances, and all my behavior in sex is awkward and clumsy, which is hard to find sexy for any woman, I guess.
So even when we do have sex, most of the time I feel I failed miserably, didn’t satisfy my wife, did something terribly wrong. Over time, the amount of these failures has grown into a huge mountain that now stands between me and sex. It’s nearly impossible for me to initiate it.
All of this makes my wife want me even less. I have started to have premature ejaculations. There’s hardly any sensual pleasure or real intimate contact in our sex. It became mechanical and the pleasure became only physical.
Besides, prolonged financial problems worry me constantly, and I have already forgotten how it feels to be light, to have a can-do attitude towards life. And I don’t know how to let go of all the worries.
So we’re in a vicious circle. We can’t have fulfilling sex because all of my failures stop me form acting because of fear of new failures, but not acting each time becomes a new failure, only worsening the situation. The good thing is we love each other and want to fix this. We just don’t know how. Can you please help?Can’t Approach My Wife for Sex
Can’t Approach My Wife for Sex
I deeply appreciate the heartfelt nature of your email. It seems clear from your description that the internal struggle you have in approaching your wife is significant. There are therapists who specialize in sexual issues in relationships. I would call your local mental health clinic to ask for a referral. Most mental health clinics, which have low or no cost therapy, will have someone on staff who can help with the specific issues.
I would let your wife know that you are taking responsibility for your part in this problem. I believe this would be a good start.