It’s like someone else’s thoughts are in my head telling me to do bad things. I need some help but I don’t know what to do or who to turn to, but my mind is scaring me. Ever since I was little I’ve had bad thoughts and urges to do bad things, like harm other people. When my sister was born I often caught myself thinking of choking her and had dreams of such events. I also get these same thoughts with animals or pets. As I got older they seemed to disappear, or at least I learned to ignore them. But recently they have been excessively worse, ever since I was 15 when I sexually abused by a good friend of mine. Since then I’ve had thoughts (but they don’t feel like my thoughts) about hurting myself or others. The first major incident I had was with my friend, nothing happened to make me snap but out of nowhere I just wanted to hurt her, extremely bad. I took scissors and broke them so they were dagger like. I ended up chasing her around the house with the intent on hurting her, I was able to snap out of it before and harm was done, thankfully. Other incidents occur when I’m driving, many times I have gotten the thought/ idea to drive as fast as I can until I hit something, because I want to see what would happen and I felt as if everything would be okay once I did. I also get urges/thoughts at work to stick my head in the deep fryer (again to see what happens) or to throw one of our large knives across the restaurant.
The most recent incident was on Halloween. I was driving with a few friends and while merging off the freeway some one came up in my blind spot and I hit her, knocking off my mirror. I don’t know what came over me, but I snapped and started laughing. Almost like I enjoyed the fact that I hit someone, and I kept driving while laughing. It wasn’t until I was back on the freeway that I snapped out of it and realized what I had done. I had committed a felony and it was too late to do anything about it.
I tend to get in random fits of rage where I have anxiety attacks, hit or throw things, cry for no reason and/or completely shut down. I don’t really like people all to much and I don’t trust therapists but when im alone is when this happens the most. I don’t want to think that I have some kind of metal illness but my mind is starting to scare me. Im afraid im not going to be able to snap out of it next time and something bad is going to happen… I want to tell my parents but I feel as though after the hit and run they’d think im just making things up. They won’t believe me I just know it… What do I do? I desperately need some advice.