From the UK: I found that I cannot be in any relationship even though I would love to have one. I have never been in any relationship because I always end up any form of relationship after 2 weeks. I often feel lonely and when I meet new guys I believe that it might work. They are all perfect. I can’t see any defects. Unfortunately, after 2 weeks of dating I always get bored and all my partners become one big failure. I start looking for their defects and I just want to escape from them even though they are so good to me. I have such feeling that I can find somebody better. More handsome, more educated, more interesting.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so bad about it because I don’t want to hurt them and myself. Every time after breaking with guys I feel such a relief, I enjoy my time on my own for a short period of time and after it I start feeling lonely again that I would like to meet somebody.
Recently, I met an interesting guy. It was very nice. I believed it could work but from yesterday all this fear comes back and I just want to finish it again. I don’t know why. I can’t really explain why it happens. I feel so overwhelmed by relationship even though I do want to have a boyfriend.
I would like to add that I am gay and I was brought up in very conservative family. Do you think this might influence my love life? Sometimes I also think that I am too demanding or narcissistic. I am trying to look for reasons and I don’t know what to do. I feel powerless.I am aware that I have a problem but completely I cannot deal with it.
At 22, you are going through normal struggles about identity, sexual identity and who you would like to eventually partner with. Some people reach their personal conclusions about these things earlier, it’s true. But it’s also true that many people spend their 20s figuring it all out.
In your case, you are also probably struggling with an inner conflict between your sense of who you are and the values you were raised with. So yes, I do think this has something to do with your seeming inability to settle into a relationship. The unconscious (and uncomfortable) solution to that problem is to acknowledge attraction but not to be able to see it through. Unless resolved, that conflict can set you up for a series of break-ups that will leave you and your partners mystified and hurt. You deserve better.
I urge you to find a gay or gay-friendly therapist to work with to resolve that inner conflict. You do have plenty of time. With support and some practical advice, you can become free to love and be loved.
I wish you well, Dr. Marie
I Cannot Be in a Relationship
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). I Cannot Be in a Relationship. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/12/13/i-cannot-be-in-a-relationship/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 13 Dec 2014) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.