You seem to be exhibiting symptoms of depression. People with depression often feel hopeless. This tunnel-vision view of their lives makes it difficult for them to see that things can change and do change. Their subjective reality is limiting and incorrect.
Objectively speaking, depression is a highly treatable condition. Many people have reported that psychiatric medications for depression are immensely helpful. If you were taking psychiatric medication, your symptoms might have improved. I would encourage your trying to see a psychiatrist and not stopping until you do. Have you tried your local community mental health center? Most community mental health centers have psychiatrists who are able to see every client who wants help, regardless of whether or not they have health insurance.
The most moving examples of why suicide is wrong can be found in a New York Times article called The Urge to End It All. The article recounts the lives of individuals who attempted suicide and survived. The individuals featured in the article reveal that they never really wanted to die. They just wanted their pain to stop. Attempting suicide was their maladaptive response to their stressful life circumstances. Each person featured in the article was grateful to have survived and now realize that their problems were solvable. None of them have thought about suicide again. You should read that article.
The direct answer to your question is you should seek help. If you feel that you cannot keep yourself safe, then go to the emergency room. They will provide you with immediate assistance and treatment. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle