I’m very depressed. I’ve been fixated and obsessed with the same woman for almost 30 years. I separated from my wife a year ago. This woman contacted me a few weeks ago. I thought she might be single. We talked today and she is still married. I professed my obsession and love for her. I know this is going nowhere, but I can’t help but feel like there is no one else for me and that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I can’t imagine not having this woman. How do I put her behind me? (age 51, from US)Sadness About Love
Sadness About Love
A: It’s hard to answer this fully without more information, particularly, how she responded when you professed your love. I can only assume since you said that this is “going nowhere” that she did not share the same feelings. It is also unclear to me if you are separated from your wife because of your feelings for this other woman or for other reasons. Either way, it sounds like you have some work to do.
I’ve heard many stories of long lost lovers finding each other again and rekindling romance. The internet has also helped people find folks from their past. Sometimes these relationships work out and sometimes they don’t. Many people have realized that they have been in love with the idea of someone rather than with who they really are. Furthermore, holding a flame for someone else can certainly impact the ability to fully love the person in front of you. It keeps you in fantasy land rather than reality.
You have put your feelings out there but you stated that she is still married. I’d say you have done all you can do for now and it is time to focus on yourself and your own healing. Working with a therapist may be the best option to help you heal from the past and to be your best self in the future, including your best self in love and relationships. I would also suggest reading some books on “obsessive love.”
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts