I’m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. It is very unsettling to not feel in control of your emotions or behavior. I’m wondering why you seem to be discounting the statements from past counselors relating your issues to childhood abuse? Working with victims of trauma is one of my specialties and trauma could certainly explain most of what you have written here. Post-traumatic stress disorder can linger for years and affect our lives in every possible way. It is time to get back into therapy and specifically see someone who specializes in trauma and abuse. I would also suggest that you look into a type of therapy called EMDR. It has been shown to be very effective in helping clients heal from the effects of trauma.
I know you stated that you have no insurance or extra money, but there are always options available. Most cities or counties have community mental health centers that provide services to those in financial need. Many therapists in private practice offer sliding scale fees. Most support groups are free. Do some research into what resources are available in your community, including looking into low cost health insurance.
I know that you said medication hasn’t helped you in the past, but you might consider having another evaluation at this point in your life and to have a complete physical. Our bodies change over time and the combination of the right treatments can make a big difference.
Don’t be a victim any longer. Take control of your recovery now so that you can feel safe in your own skin and feel like you have something wonderful to offer others, especially your children, because you do. You are worth it. You deserve to be happy. It’s time to dig in and get to work on YOU.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts