You describe yourself as a “rather unpleasant person” who is experiencing homicidal thoughts. When you had that recognition about yourself and subsequently decided to “embrace it.” You made a choice. The alternative to embracing these ideas is rejecting them. Why did you not reject them? I hope you will reconsider your decision.
By definition, to embrace something is to accept it willfully and enthusiastically. Embracing homicidal thoughts is akin to giving yourself permission to indulge in these fantasies and to perhaps act out in harmful ways. That is not okay.
You know that killing “isn’t the right thing to do” but “more and more” you feel compelled to torture insects. What is most concerning is your progression from thinking about engaging in acts of torture to actually engaging in the behavior. I see that as a dangerous escalation.
Hurting animals and people is never acceptable. When you recognize that a problem exists, you should seek help for it. You should never “embrace it.” If you like psychology and you have said that you do, I think you will both endorse and enjoy interacting with people who have spend their entire lives studying the human mind. I am talking about seeing a therapist.
Because of your age, you may need to involve your parents. Ask them to assist you in consulting a mental health professional. Seeking help is the most responsible course of action. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle