Ok so this is probably a weird problem I have but please just hear me out. I really need to talk to someone to help understand what’s wrong with me because there is no listed disorder that accurately matches what I feel like and nobody shares my experience but I think I have a problem. For as long as I could remember, I’ve always had this problem with pathological envy and identity? I always felt like I had no real sense of self and I and my own interests just kind of shape shifted and warped to people’s expectations, and that I was inferior to people because I was not as smart or powerful and so I blatantly imitated anyone I thought was better than me (looks, behavior) because I /wanted/ to be them rather than myself even if they were fictional and not even a realistic goal. Instead of looking up to halfway decent role models, I always picked narcissistic, cold-blooded, Machiavellian villains who exploited other people (as a baby my favorite Aesop’s character was the fox). I was fully aware that they were scumbags but I still liked them even BECAUSE of that, and I felt like if I couldn’t be aggressive and cunning and coldly and gain power and control through trickery and use people like them I was worthless and vulnerable. I felt like that as a SEVEN YEAR OLD, keep in mind there is no reason I should feel this way and I have no abusive childhood to blame. I still feel this way, but now it’s less directed toward fantasy fictional characters and more real people around me, and I still feel like a weak worthless person inside with no sense of self and I keep comparing myself to people because I want to become more powerful and defeat and get the best of them and whenever I feel like I don’t measure up I get really anxious and my whole body feels bad. I have no reason to be this neurotic because there isn’t a diagnosable mental illness I can have and I cant think back to any past trauma that might have caused it but its driving me crazy and I feel like this has to stop now because its so frivolous and ridiculous. I felt like if I told anyone about this they would just laugh at me but now I really need advice because I think its like, clinical.