My wife and I have been together for about 14yrs. I am deeply in love with her. Lately however; we have been fighting hard. It is taking a toll on me. I have in the past talked to her about her rage, but she has never really done anything to fix the problem. I remembered the other day that she had said years ago she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I have begun to talk to her about this. She is fearful, distrusting, and secretive. I have talked to her about counseling, but she is resistant. We have a child together, plus one of mine from a previous relationship. In short I am about done with all of it. I get nowhere with her, and if we don’t get into some kind of counseling I can’t take it anymore. I am starting to fall out of love, and am dealing with loneliness and possibly considering finding affection from someone else, someone who doesn’t guilt me, I long for the touch of a woman who has no contempt for me, contempt which I know I don’t deserve. I really just need some sound advice. I have one foot out the door, I have laid out boundaries, and I am hopeful that these will be respected. But the guilt free intimacy, affection seem to be gone. (age 46, from US)Emotional Intensity Disorder
Emotional Intensity Disorder
A: I’m sorry that you have found yourself in this position. If you have laid out the boundaries, the only thing you can do now is see if she respects them. In the meantime, I would suggest that you get help yourself. First of all, it may show her how seriously all the conflict is affecting you, and it may make it easier for her to seek help as well because she won’t feel like you are just pointing your finger at her. It may also serve as a gateway toward marital therapy. And finally, if you do decide to leave the marriage, therapy can be a great support for this often painful and complicated process.
It goes without saying that seeking the affection of another will only complicate an already complicated situation, especially considering that you have children. Your wife would not be the only one hurt by that type of action. I know you are frustrated and lonely, but try to funnel your energy into finding solutions rather than another problem.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts