I’ve felt sad for the most part of my life. I could hardly remember a time I was happy. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. I’ve always felt this emptiness inside me that’s like a black hole sucking the life and energy I have. I used to think that it was just a phase, a phase a lot of teenagers go through. But as I get older, the feeling gets worse. Two years ago, I had a best friend who I stopped speaking to after a year of friendship. I don’t really know why we stopped talking but we just did, things were said and it’s quite impossible to take everything back. That best friend was the only person who understood what kind of sadness and emptiness and hopelessness I was feeling. After we stopped talking, I started noticing changes in me. I slept longer, I cared less about others and more to myself (some people thought I was too caring of others that I usually forget to put myself first), I started working more (longer hours, more workload) I went home early after a night out. Then the black hole of emptiness felt bigger, suicidal thoughts came more often, almost every night, I prayed to fall asleep at night and never wake up. I would imagine getting run over by a car while crossing the street, or falling down the stairs, or getting stabbed, and these suicidal thoughts made me want to know what is happening to me. So I searched the internet, I came across various disorders or something. Clinical depression, adult ADHD, bipolar disorder, and a lot more that I can’t remember. I keep figuring out what exactly is wrong with me but I keep trying to try tests online but I don’t think they’re accurate. I have a lot more words to describe how I feel and how I am doing but I’m afraid this message won’t reach anyone who would actually help. If it does, please, help me, I feel like I’m one really really bad day away to just giving up.