You say that you are not suicidal and yet you say you don’t want to live anymore. Most therapists would consider the comment “I think of death and dying everyday” and the comment “I just don’t want to live anymore” as very indicative of suicidal thinking.
Perhaps we can agree on one thing, you are not very happy with your life the way it is now. People make a big mistake when they reflect upon their life and say “I should be happy.” Often times what they mean by “I should be happy” is that, by normal societal goals and values, they have had success and thus “should be happy.”
It is enough to say that with all the success, fortune and fame that they have acquired they are not happy. Many people would argue over why they are unhappy. Some would say it’s a chemical imbalance, others would say they have had a poor childhood, others would say they are cognitively incorrect, others would say that they are not self-actualizing or individuating and yet others would say yet other things.
It is my deepest belief that a happy or satisfying or meaningful life is the goal and destiny of each individual. The goal is rarely achieved without much diligent effort. The goal is never reached if it is not recognized or valued.
You said that you would be considered famous. Many famous people are great advocates of therapy. Many famous people have been in therapy for decades and they believe that it has benefited them tremendously, and they have no intention of stopping. They look at therapy like they would look at having a personal trainer at the gym. At the gym they have a trained professional helping them to perfect their body. In therapy, they have a trained professional helping them to perfect their mind.
They are both rich and famous and so the cost of therapy is not an issue at all. If the cost of therapy was not an issue for everyone, I wonder how many more people would be in therapy by choice and desire? I wish you the very best.
Dr. Kristina Randle