My boyfriend an I have been together almost a year, and I noticed some odd things about the relationship with his mother. He has an older brother and an older sister. They both have jobs, pay rent, help out, his sister is married and moved out.
He’s the youngest (20) doesn’t drive, never finished high school, never went to college, never had a job. She doesn’t make him or care. She babies him.
We used to stay up late on the phone, but a few times she asked if he would hang up the phone and come fall asleep with her cause she just kicked her boyfriend out or some weird reason and he’d go sleep in her room. Her boyfriend is 27, too. She’s also made comments about my boyfriend’s penis size while talking to me, in a really uncomfortable way. It’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t answer when I call their house anymore and won’t tell him, she just seems incredibly jealous over this child specifically and it’s really uncomfortable. Am I completely off? It just doesn’t seem normal to me at all, I guess.
No, you’re not completely off. From what you say, this mom is not only “babying” her youngest son, but is toying with seeing him as a sex object as well. You can’t change their relationship. He can — but only if he wants to. And he may not want to. From his point of view, he has life pretty easy. All he has to do is sacrifice his own adulthood, and he isn’t expected to do anything. He quite literally isn’t “driving” his own life.
There are equally pressing things to think about (besides his relationship with his mother) as you decide whether to pursue a romance with this man. Why would you want to hitch your life and your future to someone who has never finished school and has never had a job? Unless something shifts remarkably, he will not leave his mother for you. Even if by some miracle he did, he would probably expect you to pick up where mom leaves off — supporting him and babying him.
I encourage you to take a big step back. You deserve to have a man in your life, not an overgrown baby. However sweet he is, eventually you will want him to do his share in supporting the two of you and making a life together. Give him the opportunity to “man up” and see what he does. Make your decisions from there.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
My Boyfriend and His Mother Seem Too Close
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Boyfriend and His Mother Seem Too Close. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 20, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/10/31/my-boyfriend-and-his-mother-seem-too-close/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 31 Oct 2014) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.