I’m eighteen years old, and I hate myself so much. I feel like I can’t do anything right, that whatever I do, it won’t be good enough. I’m taking a gap year in order to save for college, but these “I’m not good enough” thoughts are making it really hard for me to get a job. I just … I hate disappointing people, and I hate them having these expectations that I can and will never meet, which is why I don’t try as hard I should. Why try if I’ll fail/won’t do well in the end? I rarely play video games because of theses thoughts, too: “I won’t win the race anyway,” “I’m not doing it right; there’s a better way to do whatever I’m doing,” and so on. There are just so many things I am not good at doing, and I hate it so much.
I hate that I can’t speak to people very well because my mind goes completely blank, and I just want to go back to being alone. I hate that I’d rather be alone then spend time with my family even though I love them all so much. I hate the fact that I know I’ll never amount to anything because I’m not good at anything — I don’t have any skills whatsoever.
The past three years that I’ve been in school (I graduated in May 2014), I’ve been reading fan-fictions whenever possible — in between classes, after school, before school, and so on — because I wanted to get away from everything. And that’s horrible because my life is not that bad! My family is great and I have great friends. I just hated me; I still do.
About three years ago I went to a therapist because I self-harmed. I went once, but then stopped because I thought I’d be fine without it, and because my family can’t afford it. But I continued to self-harm, and I still do it occasionally, but I’m trying to stop. But it’s just really hard with all these thoughts in my head about me not being good enough, which bring upon actions that are below-par with everything.
I just really don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like if I Just try hard enough that I’ll do okay. When I have thoughts like that, I get really motivated, you know? But it only lasts a few days before my thoughts of me being a failure come back. And I can’t go to a therapist because my family cannot afford it. I just … I don’t know what to do anymore. And I know I’m forgetting things, but these are my main issues … Help?
I’m Really Depressed — Maybe Bipolar
I want to point out that you’re taking a gap year to help you prepare for your future. In the middle of all that seems not okay — you’re still being resilient and seem determined to find ways to cope with these negative and pessimistic thoughts.
Getting therapy now is essential. I would rather see you deal with these thoughts and feelings during your gap year than your first year in college. I would find a low-cost outpatient clinic where your ability to pay is based on your income. Don’t wait on this. Find a way to deal with the self harm and negative thinking now. These things tend not to get better on their own.
If you’ve been accepted to the University you are going to, and it is nearby, I recommend you talk to the counseling center there to see if you could begin with them. This would allow you to have some ongoing counseling as you enter college next year.
You’ve done the right thing to contact us here at PsychCentral. Now I’m encouraging you to begin working with a therapist to unravel these feelings and health symptoms.