From the U.S.: I’ve been married for 16 years since high school and have two kids. Due to my families situation my mom and sisters lived with us for a year or two here and there. In the past, I had no problem with my husband staying up late and watching movies with my sister or even go out together to movies and stuff. I was pregnant with my second child and at times I would be tired and go to bed early or didn’t feel like going out. They always kept each other a great company, they both drink, laugh together, listen to one another’s stories and my sister always seeks his help in many things.
There has never been anything between them, but I guess as my husband says he started to have feelings for her over the years. One time I caught him seeing her pictures on the computer and that’s when he had to admit he likes her. He also confessed he had masterbated with her photos which he sneaked on a memory card and he was very ashamed of himself and was very sorry. He tried to read different books of how to fall out of love and etc. He’s a great husband and a great dad. He has never been with anybody but me.
So as time went by he stopped trying to ignore and keeping his distance, but instead I believe he started doing things that actually makes her impressed with him. For example he works out everyday and he became muscular because my sister is obsessed with muscular men. If she asks him for a small favor he goes far and beyond and spends hours of his time trying to help her when he can just do it in 5 mins. He always tries to please her and make her happy and appear as a nice guy. He always wants my whole family to be with us when we go on vacations. He booked our last vacation with her without me knowing even-though I had told him we will not go on a vacation.
I have a lot of angers towards both my sister and husband. I don’t blame my sister a bit but I still react to her and this has affected my relationship with her. I know she only sees my husband as her brother. We see each other almost every weekend and it just burns me when I see husband talking to her or when he looks at her or in a way checks her out. He always checks to see if I’m looking or not before he does that. Do I need to talk to my family about this or maybe his parents. Is this something I have to keep a secret. My family see me sad when they are around but they don’t know why. I stop talking to him or even sleep in a different room for weeks but he seems to get colder. He keeps saying to me and our kids that Mommy hates me. Plz help.
Your husband is trying to have it both ways: A loyal wife and an admiring attractive not-quite girlfriend. He doesn’t seem to value your relationship enough to care that he is putting more and more emotional distance between you. In fact, it seems he is trying to make your children feel sorry for him.
It looks to me like you have been trading in your happiness and your relationship with your sister in order to keep this “good husband and dad.” Only you can decide if that’s a trade you are willing to continue. Do be aware that talking to his parents and yours will likely tip the delicate balance the two of you have been maintaining for some time.
I suggest that rather than take advice from me, you see a local therapist. There is a great deal to think about when dealing with this kind of situation. You owe it to yourself and your kids to talk to someone who can hear the whole story and who can be an ongoing support for you.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
My Husband Has a Crush on My Sister
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Husband Has a Crush on My Sister. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 19, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/10/22/my-husband-has-a-crush-on-my-sister/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 22 Oct 2014) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.