I’ve been feeling so bad lately, and I’m getting worried that I am losing control of myself. For the last months I’ve been more distressed than usual, and most recently very sad/angry/hopeless. It seems that I am a bitter, always angry person (well, i think i’ve been like this since childhood). But it’s getting out ot of control. Today my mom got home and realized I hadn’t done something she told me to, and got angry towards me. I got extremely angry at myself that I wanted to smash my head onto a wall, wanted to hit and bite myself (which I did) or even throw myself down the stairs. It is the second time in less than a month that I sef harm, and this is something I have had since childhood, but just recently is happening again. After that I feel so bad that I want to kill myself, and I feel strange, like dizzy/drunk/sleepy. I am sometimes afraid that I could eventually lose all control and really harm myself or others with severe consecuences. I feel so embarrassed for this that I find it difficult to tell my psychiatrist, she still doesn’t know. I also haven’t been able to tell her that I feel so angry or depressed, because I think she may think that I have no reason for such feeling/thinking and it was my choice to be like this (This is what my mom believes and tells me). I go to psychyatrist because an anxiety disorder I was diagnosed with almost a year ago, and took clonazepam for several weeks, but I haven’t seen her since may. I think I don’t know what to do, as it seems to me that I’m caught in a vicious circle of anger/sadness and destructive and anti-social behavior, that I don’t know how to get out. Apart from that there are a bunch of thoughts that I don’t know how to control, no matter if I tell myself that I’m being irrational, I always end up thinking that I have a serious desease, that I may have cancer. Or how would it be if I died, had an accident, got in coma, etc. I sometimes wish this could be true, so I would have a reason to be such an angry person, but then I think that it must be terrible and I don’t want to face this situations. The truth is I dislike myself too much for being who I am, I think I’m weird and feel so embarrased of myself, nor I like how I physically am. I don’t know, I sometimes think I’m going crazy. All of this has become worse since I failed a subject at college. (age 21, from Venezuela)I Feel I am Going Out of Control
I Feel I am Going Out of Control
A: Thanks for writing in with your question. The first thing you need to do is make an appointment with your psychiatrist and take this letter to her. There is no way she can really help you if you aren’t honest with her about what is really going on for you. She will not judge you and has no reason to question what you tell her. She is a trained doctor so it is very different than telling a friend or family member.
Based on the number of issues you are describing here, I also don’t think that medication is not enough. I would suggest that you ask your psychiatrist for a referral to a therapist or at least meet with her more regularly to work on anger management, self-esteem and positive ways of coping with your distress. I agree that if you don’t do more to get help now, you very likely could harm yourself or someone else. Why take that chance? You are ahead of the game because you are already seeing a mental health professional, but now it is time to be honest about how much pain you are in.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts