You’re doing the right thing by asking for advice. It was also very wise of you to begin therapy but it doesn’t seem to bring you the help that you were expecting. You haven’t provide much information about your therapy, but I wonder if part of the problem might be that you have not been forthcoming about all that is wrong. Have you discussed these issues in full detail with your therapist? Is your therapist aware of your obsession with mass shooters and killers and your homicidal thoughts? If not, then it may be difficult for your therapist to help you if he or she isn’t aware of the scope of the problem. It’s always important to be honest with your therapist.
Maybe you have been honest with your therapist but the therapy is still not working for you. In that case, you should find another therapist. Always choose a therapist with whom you feel you have a connection and one who you feel is competent. That therapist will be in the best position to help you.
If your parents won’t help you in finding a psychiatrist, then perhaps your therapist might be able to help. He or she could refer you to a psychiatrist. You might also try contacting your college counseling center. The staff may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist. Many college counseling centers have psychiatrists “in-house” and you may be able to have an evaluation done quickly. Medication could significantly improve your symptoms, especially your depression and irritability.
Because you have admitted to having homicidal thoughts, you should avoid all materials related to mass shootings and killers. Don’t allow yourself to indulge in these materials. Try to surround yourself with healthy and positive people and reading materials. Given your state of mind, nothing good would come from you reading about horrific crimes.
Finally, I commend you on your decision to seek psychological help. As you may have learned from your readings about mass shooters and killers, many had depression but they chose not to seek help. They were irresponsible in their decision. Had they sought professional help when it was clearly needed they might never have engaged in acts of evil. Seeking help is a very responsible choice, and you should be commended for doing so. If you feel that you might harm someone or yourself, don’t hesitate to go to the hospital. The staff can protect you from doing something that you would later regret. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle