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My Girlfriend Hates Herself and Can’t Move on from Her Ex

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From Indonesia: Hi, I have been together with my girlfriend for over than 2 years. And now we were in long distance relationship. It has never been an issue for us because we trust and love each other.

I met her when she and I were single, she is my first girlfriend, and I am her second. Later she told me that her ex was treating her so bad, and in the end my girlfriend decided to leave her in “bleeding heart.” A year after or so, she met me.

Now after 2 years her ex came back and lives near her and wants to apologize to her.

I feel jealous, but then I trust her to finish her business while she’s still telling me a story about it.

I was okay and hoping they could be friends. But one day after she and her ex going to sort things out away, my girlfriend backing herself off.

I was confused, and I asked her what is the reason. She kept shutting herself down until one day she asked for breaking up. Because she feels she is being unfair to both of me and her ex. She said she could not move on completely from her, and that makes her feel unworthy of my love. And she loves me a lot also, that she could not even have the heart to be back completely with her ex.

Now I’m confused, I want to support her and stay with her because she is so important to me, and I love her. She is so depressed by the fact that she could not decide her heart right away… She even started to hate herself. It seems like she is in shock about the fact that she could love 2 persons at the same time. I don’t even know what kind of love splitted that way, and I don’t know how to react. I know she loves me deeply, but the fact that she could not move on from her ex is killing her.

Could you please help me? What and how should I do something as her current girlfriend who loves and care for her. I can’t see her break down like this.

My Girlfriend Hates Herself and Can’t Move on from Her Ex

Answered by on -


I am so sorry that you and your girlfriend are going through this difficult time. But I would completely honor the fact that she is confused and is not position to make a full commitment. I wouldn’t try to change her mind about this — or overextend yourself. I would negotiate very brief amount of time for her to make a decision after which you should move on. Maybe 30 or 60 days but certainly not much more than that. Give her a very short time to sort through these issues but make it clear that you are giving her this time and space, but you’re looking for a committed relationship. If she can’t make that commitment to you — you’ll want to find someone who can.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My Girlfriend Hates Herself and Can’t Move on from Her Ex

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). My Girlfriend Hates Herself and Can’t Move on from Her Ex. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 15 Oct 2014)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.